


My Lady, My Lord

by redtypewriter



Series: Imaginary Girls [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Flashbacks, Friendship/Love, Illnesses, Non-Linear Narrative, Past Relationship(s), Political Marriages, Unrequited Love, aromantic warden
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-31
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-09 20:51:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 23,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3263984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redtypewriter/pseuds/redtypewriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Agatha Cousland and Nathaniel Howe have a past, and a future that neither are completely certain of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Friendly Competition

**Author's Note:**

> OK so here we go- first off, you don't need to worry about this fic stopping updates because it's all finished and just needs to be edited  
> second, this is really non-linear so just make sure that you check the dates/locations at the beginning of each chapter or it's going to get sort of confusing
> 
> OK so I hope you like it- let me know what you think/what could be improved upon in the comments  
> everything belongs to bioware and thank the wonderful GwynPaige for editing!  
> you can also find me on tumblr at kirkwallers.tumblr.com

9:27 Dragon- Highever

“At least agree to talk to him, Agatha- he’s come all this way,” Eleanor pleaded with her daughter.

“All this way? Amaranthine is barely a three days’ ride.”

“Regardless, from what I hear you two would get along.”

“Fine, he gets one dance, but that’s all I’m promising.” Agatha turned away from her mother, allowing the elven servants to finish lacing her gown.

  
Eleanor rolled her eyes and strode from the room, meeting Bryce outside the door.

"How did it go?” he asked, amusement playing in his eyes.

“Surprisingly well, considering.” She took her husband’s arm and began to walk down the hall.

“Oh? So did she say that he gets a three minute conversation and maybe a touch on the arm?”

Eleanor chuckled. “Remind me never to try and set her up with a Bann’s third son again. No, at least she said the poor boy would get a dance.”

“I told you the Bann’s son was a bad idea at the time. And a dance? Really? You do realize that doesn’t even guarantee that she’ll talk to him, right?”

“Maker’s Breath, you don’t think that she’d do that, do you?”

“Knowing our Aggie, I’m not sure anything is ruled out. If this doesn’t work out, maybe we should start with foreigners. I hear one of Starkhaven’s princes was about her age,” Bryce suggested.

“Which one?” Eleanor asked.

“The, uh, third one.”  
  
Eleanor only answered with an unladylike snort as they reached the door to greet their guests.

  
Agatha greeted minor lords, letting them take her hand and compliment her before telling her how she just had to meet their sons. She noticed an unfamiliar man eyeing her from across the room, his dark hair longer than many of the other noblemen’s, though it was pulled back in braids. Her lips quirked up at the corners and met his eyes, and she thought that he almost smiled.

When she danced with a young nobleman who stumbled over his words she looked around, and noticed the man again. He was dancing with a Bann from Amaranthine, but his eyes were still searching to meet the youngest Cousland’s. Agatha narrowed her eyes at him and he raised a brow. 

The night continued like this, she would dance and his eyes would follow her. No matter who she spoke to, her mind would be focused on his game, and Agatha was certain that he knew it. It was growing late and the moonlight was shining through the windows when he finally approached her, just as her favorite song began to play. 

Whoever he was, Agatha thought, he certainly knew how to get a girl’s attention. He put out his hand. 

“May I have this dance, my lady?” 

“I think you’ve earned it.” She took his hand, which was clad in soft black velvet gloves, and he lead her to the dancefloor. 

“So, who do I have the pleasure of dancing with?” she asked, her curiosity getting the best of her.

“You can call me Nathaniel Howe.”

“I should’ve guessed- my mother made me promise to give you a dance, my lord.”

“As did my father.” She saw him smile for the first time that night. 

“Can you see either of them now?” she asked with a small laugh. “I bet they’re gossiping about our wedding.”

“Maker, have we reached that point already?”

“I should hope not. To be entirely truthful, marriage isn’t exactly on the forefront of my mind.”

“So rumor has it.”

This piqued her interest. “How do you mean?” 

“Half the bachelors in Ferelden have been scrambling to earn your hand, and yet you’ve turned down every one of them.” He raised an eyebrow. “May I ask why? Or is that too bold.”

“Oh, I’m on a quest to drive my mother mad in a spiteful descent into spinsterhood, then I’ll steal their money and build a hut in the Kocari wilds,” she said sarcastically.

“Oh?” he chided. “You didn’t strike me as the type to rough it in the wilds while there’s all this finery to be had in civilization.”

“You caught me. But I’m afraid nobody knows my true secret reasons, and you won’t be the first to find out, my lord.” 

He thought it almost sounded like a challenge. 

“I hear you’re an archer.” He changed the subject. 

“I’m a pretty good shot.”

“You’re being modest. I heard that you’ve won nearly every tourney in the North.”

“Then you heard right. What about you? What’s your method of murder?” 

“Same as yours.”

“Oh? I haven’t seen you in competition- not up to par?” she teased.

“Hardly, I bet I could beat you, with all due respect, my lady.”

She raised an eyebrow. 

“You’re awfully sure of yourself.”

“Yes, I am.”

“I think we should arrange a little contest, then,” she offered.

“As long as you don’t mind losing.”

She laughed. “Alright then, let’s go.”

“Right now?” He almost sounded surprised.

“Why not? It’s late, everybody’s drunk, I doubt anybody will even notice that we’re gone.”

“There will be talk, you know,” he warned.

“There’s always talk.”

“Alright, then, show me to the armory.”

She took his hand and led him from the room.

\-----  
“Ok, 200 paces, five arrows- sound alright?”Cousland said.

“If it’s a tie?” 

“Then we keep going, you’ll miss eventually,” she teased. 

“And when I win, what do I get?” he asked.

“You didn’t strike me as a betting man.” she chuckled

“I’m full of surprises. If I win, you have to tell me why you won’t get married.”

“You’re really that curious, huh?” she raised an eyebrow. 

“Not really, but it would hardly be fair to take a higher reward for a contest you can’t possibly win.”

“You’re going to be so embarrassed when you lose. What do I get if I win?”

“Hardly worth picking a prize, don’t you think?”

“OK, when I win, I want you to be the one to tell my mother that I’m not going to marry you.”

“Ouch. I’m not sure I can do that to an old woman. Having me as a son in law would be a dream come true.” 

“Do we have a deal?” She held out her hand for a shake

“Deal.”

  
She loosed her first arrow, hitting the target, then another, then the next three, all center. He had the same result.

“So we just keep going until somebody screws up?” she asked, realizing that this was probably going to take all night.

 

“You can miss anytime you like, you know,” Nathaniel offered, shooting the eleventh arrow.

“Please, I’ll marry you before I let you win.” 

“Oh? That sounds promising.”

“Shut up.” She poised to shoot and he bumped her arm, causing her arrow to shoot past the target.

“Looks like you lose, my lady.”

“You cheated.”

“Does that sound like something a gentleman such as myself would do.”

“You didn’t win.” She squared her shoulders and did her best to make herself bigger, that sometimes worked, though it was hard to when he was so much taller than she. 

Nathaniel’s mouth twisted into a smile. “Is that supposed to be intimidating?”

“Well it would be if you weren’t so damn tall.”

“So?” he said expectantly.

“What?”

“I did win, didn’t I?”

“You cheated.” 

“That doesn’t sound like something that I’d do.”

“I’ll prove to you that I’ll win.” She pulled her bow back up.

“I’m afraid its too late for that- you lost. Come on, tell me why you won’t get married.” He pushed down her bow, trying his best not to laugh at how exasperated she looked.

“Not a chance.”

“Or we could do that other thing.” 

“What?”

“I’ll marry you before I’ll let you win.”

“Oh so now you’re proposing to me?”

“I’m just letting you out of your end of the bargain.”

“Well, well, well, didn’t realize I’d grown on you so much.” She also hadn’t realized how close he was.

“I thought that was obvious.”

Agatha considered this, all it would take was a slight turn of her head and his mouth would be on hers.

“True, men don’t usually stare at a woman all night unless they intend to follow through.”

“Would I be misreading the situation terribly if I kissed you?” he asked.

“Not at all.”  
  
\----

Her back pressed against the seat of a strangers carriage, the Arl’s son’s hand down the front of her trousers and his mouth hot on her neck.

“Would you believe me if I told you that I don’t normally do this?” she asked with her breath heavy in her voice. 

“Which part?” He tried a joke.

“The whole fucking a practical stranger in Bann Florence’s carriage comes to mind.”

He chuckled against her neck, relishing in the shiver that he could feel go down her spine. “I would believe you, yes.” 

“Good.”  
  
  
\--------  
He kissed her again when he finished, both sweaty and riding out their post-orgasmic high. He bit her bottom lip and let out a breath. 

“We should do that again sometime,” she whispered to him.

“I thought you didn’t normally do this?”

“I don’t, but you’re good enough to be an exception.”

“Any chance you’d reconsider that stance on marriage?” He was only partly joking. He felt her stiffen up in his arms, then moved to sit up.

“The day I marry an Arl is the day I ride a griffon into battle, sorry to disappoint.”

“How is controlling an arling worse than being alone?” 

“Because if I don’t marry, I stay in Highever. Fergus is clueless when it comes to politics, and his wife doesn’t know a thing about Ferelden. If I can’t marry up, I rule Highever from behind my brother.” She sighed. “And even if you were to be a Teryn, I don’t think I’d marry you. You’re too smart.”

“Too smart?” He laughed.

“Mmhmm. You’d be the one in charge, and I’d be the pretty girl on your arm. Don’t get me wrong, I can be a decoration if need be, but that can’t be it. If I ever marry, it will be to somebody very stupid, and very powerful.” She pulled her leathers back on. And smiled at him, as if she had just told him exactly what he wanted to hear.

“Why would you tell me this?” he asked. The more he thought about it, the less any of it made sense. She had a reputation as the perfect lady to uphold, and seeing her now, with her hair a mess and sinking of sex, everything she had built for herself could come crashing down.

She laughed. “I have no idea.” 

The way she said it told him everything, that she trusted him. He smiled at her, then sat up to kiss her again.


	2. More Where That Came From

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A prisoner in the Amaranthine Dungeons: 9:31 Dragon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two- this is in the beginning of Awakening, if you didn't notice before. Hope you like it and please leave a comment/kudos if you do!  
> edited by GwynPaige

_9:31 Dragon: Amaranthine_

“Commander, good thing you’re here, this one’s been locked up three nights now. Good men died while this one was protected in his cell. He won’t give his name- all I know is he was caught poking around the estate in the middle of the night.” The guard paused. “I’d say he was just a thief, but it took four Grey Wardens to capture him. You’d best be careful- whoever he is, he’s no ordinary burglar, that’s for sure.”

 

Agatha’s blood ran cold at the sight of him.

“Leave us.”

He pulled himself up from the stone floor and walked towards the bars, trying to emulate the cocky strut he used to have, but only giving her a slouching gait.

“If it isn’t the Great Hero, conqueror of the Blight and vanquisher of all evil. Aren’t you supposed to be ten feet tall with lightning bolts shooting out of your eyes?”

“What can I say? I leave quite an impression.” The light tones that had once colored their easy banter had been replaced with hardened malice.

“When they told me it was you I didn’t believe it, you know. I thought there’s no way that little Aggie Cousland would have the spine to kill an archdemon.” He was lying. He believed it as soon as he’d heard it, what he hadn’t believed is that she had been the one to murder his father.

“What are you even doing here, Nathaniel?” She knew his answer before he said it.

“I came to kill you.”

“As if you could.”

“You and I both know that I’m a better shot, _my Lady_.”

“And why would you kill me? I thought you loved me?” She spit the word love at him.

“Hah! A flimsy excuse I gave a stupid girl to get her into bed.” He knew that she could see right through him, just like she’d always been able to.

“You never answered my question.”

“Why would I want to kill you? You murdered my father, cast my family out into the dust. We Howes are pariahs now, thanks to you.”

She tried to freeze the rage bubbling up inside her.

“He deserved what he got.”

“He was protecting his family. Your father was going to betray us!”

“Oh, really?” She broke into a shout. “We were going to betray you? Even if that was true there is no excuse for what your father did to us. Remember Oren, my nephew? He was eight years old. Was he such a traitor?”

“Please, Agatha, don’t try to pretend that you mourned them. I know you better than that.”

“How dare you? They were my family, of course I mourned them!” She slammed her hands on the bars, letting her anger get the best of her.

“You mourned Highever and your precious title, but it all worked out for you in the end, didn’t it, my Lady?”

“You bastard.” her voice was like poison.

“Is he everything you dreamed of- this king of yours?”

“Don’t speak of him.”

Nathaniel barked a laugh.

“What do you intend to do with me, then? Hang me? Shoot me in the eye from 300 yards just to prove that you can?”

She thought for a moment, saying nothing. She turned on her heel and called to the guards.

“Have you decided what to do with him, Commander?” Asked the guard.

“I hereby invoke the right of conscription.”

He had been prepared to die, but this was another matter.

“What? Hang me first!” Nathaniel shouted.

“You will become a Grey Warden, best prepare yourself for the joining.”

“I’m not sure if this is a punishment or a vote of confidence.”

“It will become very clear which one of those it is, very soon.”

  
  


She eagerly attended his joining, half hoping he would choke on the blood and die, half hoping that he would live, just to see the tortures of being a warden. Oghren stood beside her, deep into a pint of ale.

“So who’s that joining the team?” the dwarf asked.

“Nathaniel Howe,” she answered simply.

“Howe? As in that guy-”

She interrupted. “That’s the one.”

“You killed his father and he joins you? You sure this is a good idea, Boss?”

“I have no idea.”

 

She had no idea how she felt when he survived, he stood up, glared at her, and sauntered off to a corner.

She relished in his hatred for her. Agatha walked out of the pantry a few house later with a bottle of wine. It was the dead of night, dark in the hall, and she thought that the whole keep had gone to bed, but then she saw him out of the corner of her eye, in the exact same spot as before. She sat down at a table at the other end of the hall and she could feel his eyes follow her. She sat down and took a swig from the bottle, knowing better than to try and hide it from him. She stared him in the eye.

 

“So which was it?” He said loudly.

She only narrowed her eyes and tilted her head slightly.

“Was it a punishment or a vote of confidence?” he clarified.

Agatha laughed humorlessly. “Hopelessly tainted, constant nightmares, crushing expectation, and having to constantly deal with darkspawn? You decide.”

He shook his head. “Don’t forget having to see you every day.”

“I don’t exactly relish your company either.” She replied.

“Then why let me live?”

Agatha laughed to herself and told him the words that he had heard a thousand times before. “I have no idea.” She stood up and left with her bottle.

“Wait.” He said after her, making no motion to move. She paused and turned around. “I have one more question for you.”

“You can ask, but I make no promises to answer.”

“How many more like me were there?”

“What are you talking about?” _Always so vague,_ she thought.

“You know, secret lovers behind the carriagehouse.”

He noticed her shoulders droop. “There were never any other men like you, Nathaniel.” she answered him honestly.

“I find that hard to believe.”

She sighed. “Believe what you wish of me. I don’t care. But I’ve never lied to you, you know. You would’ve liked me a lot more if I had.” She turned around without letting him answer and walked out of the darkened hall.

  



	3. Into the Dungeons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Warden meets Rendon Howe in Denerim

9:31 Dragon: Denerim

 

Agatha shot him in the back of the knee, crippling his right leg, then to his left. Arl Rendon Howe’s screams were like music to her ears. The rest of his men were dead, and now it was just him.

Howe reached for his dagger, just for her to kick it away.

“Oghren, give me that hatchet.” She pointed to the dull axe on his belt. Oghren obeyed, not wanting to cross her while the look of wild rage had overtaken her whole body.

“Do you have anything to say to me, my Lord?” She extended the nickname she had given his son to him.

“I deserved more,” he muttered.

She took the blunt side of the axe and hit him with it, a sickening crack coming from his nose. She got down on his knees, straddling him, swinging the axe back and forth before his face.

“Do you really have no regrets, My Lord?” Her tone was almost friendly.

“Only that they didn’t kill you and your brother, too.”

Agatha screamed and brought the hatchet down on his wrist. The man shrieked in Agony and his bloody sprayed freely, covering her.

“My father trusted you, you know. You betrayed him, and you still have nothing to say to me?”

The man just grinned, baring his bloody teeth at her.

“Still so naive after all this time.” He mocked her. She did nothing, seething in anger, and waited for him to finish.

She tossed the axe to her other hand, and brought it down on his other hand without a word.

“Care to keep going, My Lord?”

“I have no words to spare for a commoner.”

“You’re whole family will suffer for your actions, My Lord. Your children will all die by my hand. Do you understand?” She sounded calm.

“My children are smarter than you ever were, you’ll never manage.”

She narrowed her eyes, his blood trickling down her face.

“I’ll end it quickly if you say that you shouldn’t have done it. That you’re a lying snake and a worthless traitor.”

“All these years later, and you still think that you’re so clever. You’re going to kill me, just do it. Or let it drag on, like I did with your father. The last thing he ever saw was your mother kissing my boots.”

That broke the dam, her rage spilled over the edges and she brought the hatchet down on his chest, then his face, and she stuck him again, and again, and again. She had no idea how long she was there, all the bones in his face crunching until at that remained was a pile of gore, but she kept going.

“Agatha, stop it, he’s dead,” Alistair said, trying to grab her arm. She screamed and jerked away from him.

She had spent so much time pretending, beng somebody that she wasn’t for the sake of her status, she had played the pretty brave noble girl to make the foolish prince fall for her. She had been the brave hero for her friends to follow, she had been the doting daughter, the perfect lady, the flirt, the tease, the woman that’s there to make all their dreams come true- but right now, all of that was gone. All of that was replaced by anger and more and more of her deteriorated as she swung that axe against the Arl’s mangled body. She had given every one of them so much, they would let her have this.

“Agatha!” It was Leliana that broke her trance. The bard grabbed her from behind, wrestling the axe from her friend, Aggie broke into hysterics, crumpling on the ground.

 

When they were thrown into the prison, she didn’t say a word. Alistair stared at her as if she’s an injured animal, weak and fragile.

“Are you okay?”

She just stared at him. She almost wanted to tell him the truth, that Howe was absolutely right about her. She had always thought herself so damn clever, but it had been her naivity that lead to the end of her family. The way he looked at her made her think that he really cared, and she wanted to tell him everything. But if he knew he would hate her, so she only rested her head against the bars and waited for death to come.

 

Leliana and Oghren arrived before Death. They brought her her leathers and her bow.

 

Leliana held onto her, asked a servant to draw her a bath, brought her into the room and stripped her out of the bloodied clothes, and she cringed when she saw that it had seeped through the cracks in her armor to cover the rest of her naked body. The water was hot and the bard took a cloth and wiped the blood from Agatha’s face. Her hair was worked out of the braid, but the blood would take a long time to wash out.

Agatha let her friend help her, but only watched the blood swirl in the water.

“I can finish on my own, Leliana,” she managed to say.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m quite sure. Thank you.”

Leliana left.

 

Agatha lie there until the water went cold, then crawled out and sat herself beside the fire, dripping wet and naked. Shivering despite the heat. She ripped a hair brush through her hair, but it was lost. She gulped down another sob and grabbed a dagger, hacking off her long braid, cutting her hair for the first time in many years. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

Agatha stood and studied herself, she took a deep breath and took a towel from a shelf. She wiped the rest of the blood from her. She took a hairbrush and combed out her newly cut locks until they were clean. She braided it accordingly, pulling the short strands into the pleats that wrapped around the back of her neck. A green gown lay at the foot of the bed. Green like spring.

She pulled the dress on, lacing the back and pulling the clasps shut. She pushed her feet into golden slippers. Then she took all her old leathers, the same ones she had worn the night of the attack on Highever, drenched in the blood of the traitor, making the cousland colors decorating the tunic look bruised, and threw them into the fire.

The mirror stared back at her, and smiled. She wasn’t going to let somebody like Rendon Howe stand in her way, because the pretty noble girl was going to marry the foolish prince. She squared her shoulders, put her chin up, and walked out of the room, seeing her friends all standing outside the door, talking about her in hushed whispers. She simply smiled, showing her white teeth as the wall she had built up around herself.

For the first time in a very long time, she felt like a Cousland again.

 

 


	4. Kings and Queens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alistair arrives in Vigil's Keep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slightly* au where Alistair comes a bit later than he does in the game, just for dramatic effect of course

_9:31 Dragon: Amaranthine_

“Commander, there seems to be a small garrison of men approaching the keep.”

 “Under whose banners?” Agatha asked.

 “The kings.”

 

 

She went to the front of the keep and saw Alistair approaching, his white horse seemed to be shining white in the sunlight. He smiled when he saw her and dismounted. The queen ran towards him and threw herself into his arms.

 “Alistair! What are you doing here?”

 “Well, I heard some odd rumors about attacks on the keep, I thought I would bring a few more men, and just check in.” He grinned.

 “You just missed me, didn’t you?” Agatha chided.

 “Why would I miss _you_ , dear wife?”

 

Nathaniel watched them from afar. He couldn’t hear them but could see her smile _. She certainly got what she wanted_ , he thought to himself, looking at the king. Very powerful and very stupid. Easy to fool, if nothing else. He hated her, but it was hard. He had every reason to want her dead, but at the end of the day, she was still the girl that he once loved so dearly.

 But moments like this made it easy. Seeing her in the arms of her husband and hearing her laugh ringing through the yard made him cringe. He hated the man, just for the fact that he had no idea who he had. Nathaniel knew that he should feel sorry for Alistair, that he had fallen for an imaginary girl, but he just couldn’t, not when the king had everything that he himself didn’t.

  
  


Anders was the first one to approach him since he had gotten to the keep. he had been sitting at an old wooden table, noticing his sister’s initials carved into the rim, and nursing a mug of ale. The mage had walked in and sat himself down beside him.

 “So can I ask you something?”

 “You just did.”

 “Why is it exactly that everybody around here treats you like garbage?”

 “Thank you for pointing that out.”

 “So why is it?”

 “Well, if you must know, the Commander murdered my father and declared my whole family traitors to Ferelden. This used to be my home, actually.”

 Anders whistled through his teeth.

 “Tough luck you’ve got, then. Why’d you join up?”

 “Well, Aggie didn’t really give me a choice. She conscripted me as some kind of punishment. She’s always been sadistic like that.”

 “Aggie, huh? That’s a little familiar isn’t it? You two have a history or something?” Anders nudged his shoulder.

 Nathaniel tried to laugh. “ _Or something_ , sounds about right.” He took a drink. “Shit, just, don’t mention any of this to...anyone, alright?”

 “Still got a thing for her, then?”

 “What? No, of course not, she murdered my father, remember?”

 “Alright, alright, my lips are sealed.”

  
Alistair loved to hear her talk. That little Highever lilt that came out when she dragged her a’s a little bit too long just delighted him. He could listen to her for hours, babbling on and on about whatever it was that the Bann’s wife said, or what book she was reading. He loved to walk with her, hand in hand, through the palace or the gardens, and he loved seeing the sun light up her face and her dark golden hair.

 The gardens in Vigil’s Keep were nothing compared to those in Denerim, but the Northern blue flowers were something that he’d never seen before, and they were everywhere. Agatha told him about what was going on, the mysterious talking darkspawn, the new wardens, what life was like in the Keep, and how much she missed the raspberry tarts from the royal kitchens.

 “So, when can I meet these new wardens?” Alistair asked.

 “Feeling left out of the club, huh?” she teased.

 “Well what’s wrong with me wanting to meet our new recruits?”

 “Alright, alright, you can come and meet them.” She held his hand and pulled him towards the keep.

 

“Everybody, Grey Wardens, I’d like to introduce you all to my dear husband, King Alistair!” Agatha shouted into the hall. The other wardens stood up to shake his hand.

 “Okay, you of course know Oghren.” She motioned to the dwarf, who laughed and held up a mug of ale.

“This is Anders, you suggested conscripting him, remember?”

 “I do remember, yes- are you settling in alright?” Alistair shook the mage’s hand.

 “Well enough, I suppose. And thank you for saving my life and all that before.”

 Agatha went to introduce Sigrun, and noticed, without surprise, that Nathaniel was missing.

 “And I guess that’s everybody we’ve got so far. What do you think?”

 “Hey, what about Nathaniel? I’m sure he’d want to meet the king,” Sigrun chirped.

 “Oh, right, Nathaniel. I’m not sure where he is, too bad, maybe next time.”

 “Wait, who’s Nathaniel? If he’s another warden I’d like to meet him,” Alistair said.

 “Oh, no, you don’t want to meet him. Terribly grumpy, you wouldn’t like him, I’m not even sure why I recruited him, even.” Agatha scolded herself for her nervousness.

 “Besides, I’m right here,” Aggie jumped when Nathaniel spoke.

 “Maker’s Breath, do you just lurk in corners until you have a chance to be dramatic?”

 Nathaniel chuckled. “Perhaps.” He held out a hand.

 “I am Nathaniel Howe, your Majesty.”

 “Howe, huh? Didn’t see that one coming,” Alistair said quietly.

 “Yes, I am a Howe- is that a problem?”

 “That depends, are you going to make it a problem?”

 “Only if I have to.” Nathaniel’s voice was low and his words sounded like a challenge.

 Alistair broke the handshake and looked at his wife.

 “It’s getting late, Aggie, I think it’s time I turn in. Join me?” he stated more than asked.

 “Of course, my love.”

 

“I don’t trust that man,” Alistair stated simply.

 “He’s no danger to me, I promise.”

 “How did he even get recruited?”

 Agatha bit her lip, deciding that telling the truth was probably a bad idea.

 “He showed up one night trying to steal back some of his family’s things.”

 “Really? That’s it?” He eyed her suspiciously.

 “Yes, of course. I trust him.” It worried her to know that she wasn’t lying.

 


	5. With Love, Your Lord

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agatha visits Amaranthine before Nathaniel leaves for the Free Marches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok the formatting for this is a little confusing at different points because I'm trying to do 3 different scenes at once. So there's the present, then a letter, then a flashback within the letter. Just warning you in case you get confused! Sorry

  


_9: 27 Highever_

 

“So when are you leaving?” Agatha asked him, sitting between him and a bale of hay in the loft of the stables for the third time that week.

 “Thirteen days.” He intertwined his fingers with hers and kissed the top of her head.

 “I wish you didn’t have to leave so soon.” She put her head on his bare shoulder.

 He was silent for a moment.

 “You know you could come with me, to the Free Marches, I mean. I’ll be squiring there, but there are tutors on the estate. You could finish your education there and we could be together.” He tried to phrase it like a suggestion on a whim, trying not to give away just how much he had been thinking about the possibility.

 “I don’t know- I’m not sure what Fergus would do without me.”

 “He has Oriana, I think he’ll manage. Come on, Aggs, it’ll be fun.”

 “I’ll think about it.” She wanted to go, but didn’t want the implications to follow her. To follow him to the Free Marches would set up certain implications.

 

She wrote him letters instead. It started with him- three months after he’d left, a letter came on a ship filled with textiles and beautiful things from abroad. His letter came with a package.

 Agatha loathed to admit that she was excited- she took the package and sprinted up the stairs to her bedroom, locking the door behind her.

 She unwrapped the brown cloth, pulling out a necklace made of pearls. A letter sat at the bottom of the package.

 

_My Lady Agatha,_

_I saw this in the market the other day and thought of you. I’ve been meaning to write you for quite a while, but I wasn’t entirely certain what I’d say. I know that we didn’t exactly part on the best of terms, and I’m so sorry about that._

 

He had snuck into her room that night. He was to leave in the morning, and he would see her before he left, but formal goodbyes where very different than what he had to say.

 “So did you speak with your mother about going to the Free Marches? I can always postpone my departure.” He hadn’t heard anything about it since that night in the stables.

 “I’m not going, Nathaniel, I thought that was obvious,” Agatha said.

 “Oh, I mean, I thought you wanted to.” He didn’t try to hid his disappointment.

 “I did, I still do, but don’t you think going with you would give everybody certain . . . expectations?”

 “Maker’s Breath, do you think of nothing but your reputation? You’re really going to give up an opportunity for yourself just because somebody might think that we’re together?”

 “It’s not that simple and you know it.” Maker, she hoped that he did.

 “And it’s not as complicated as you seem to believe.”

 “Nathaniel, I-”

 He cut her off. “I get it that you don’t want to marry me, I do- but why are we still doing this? I know why I’m here, but I just can’t figure you out sometimes.”

 “Why are you bringing this up again? I’ve already explained.”

 “No, you told me why we shouldn’t get married.”

 “If it bothers you so much then why are you still here?”

 “You know why.”

 “No, I don't. Please enlighten me.”

 “Fine. I’m in love with you, Agatha. Now it’s your turn.”

 She covered her face with her hands. “I think it’s time you left.”

 “Because you don’t want to say it or you don’t love me?”

 “Because I don’t love you. It’s as simple as that.”

 Nathaniel held back a strangled noise in the back of his throat and managed to get out a ‘Fine.” before leaving as quietly as he had come.

 

_I know I pushed you too much. I wanted more than you were willing to give- and Maker I’d love it if you and I could be together- but I understand why we can’t._

_It’s a bit lonely here without you, though. Well, it’s a bit lonely here without anyone. I’m a squire to some stuffy lord and it’s just as boring as you’d think. I’ve learned a lot though- I think that you’d really like it here. The whole city smells like the sea, a bit like Highever, but it’s actually warm here._

_Anyway, I’m sorry, I’d like to visit when I can, and I hope you like the necklace._

_With Love,_

_Your Lord Nathaniel_

 


	6. Delilah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathaniel reunites with his sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> most of the dialogue in this chapter was taken directly from the game  
> Also here's the big turning point of the fic! Leave a comment/kudos if you liked it!

9:31- Amaranthine

 

Alistair was leaving. He had mounted his horse and was about to ride away, but was halted by his wife shouting “Stop!”

 He wheeled the horse around to face his wife.

 “I wrote you this,” She stood on her tiptoes to hand the letter to him. “I want you to read it when you miss me.”

 “But I already do, my love,” Alistair replied.

 “Well at least wait until you get home then, okay?”

 He chuckled and agreed before riding off.

  


She walked past him in the garden.

“Agatha.” she heard him shout. She stopped and turned around to face him. “Okay, I know I’m not in a place to be asking favors- but Delilah’s alive. She’s married to a merchant in Amaranthine. Please, Aggie, I need to see her. Next time we’re in the city will you at least let me look for her?” Nathaniel said earnestly.

 Aggie thought. Delilah had always been sensible, and she would know the truth about what the Arl had done, she could convince her brother easily. Then it would be up to him to make it up to her, and that could only work in her favor.

 “Fine. We’re heading there tomorrow actually, you can come instead of Velanna.” She turned on her heel and walked away, biting back a smile.

 

 

They walked through the market in Amaranthine, picking at trinkets and shiny things when Nathaniel stopped dead.

 “Delilah, is that really you?” he said quietly.

 The woman spun around, smiling wide. “Nathaniel! I had feared the worst!” She pulled him into a tight hug. After they pulled away, he kept her close by holding her shoulders.

 “Times must have been hard, Delilah, but you can do better than this. Come back to the estate until we find somewhere else.”

“What?” She laughed. “Oh, Nathaniel, I didn’t marry Albert him out of desperation, I adore him!” Delilah said, her giggle jingling in all their ears. Then her face turned serious. “I was so glad to get away from father’s evil- this life is so much better.”

 Agatha’s ears perked up at the mention of their father. She had struck gold.

 “Father’s evil? Isn't that overstating things a little? He got caught up in politics…”

 Agatha was overjoyed at the coming realization.

 “You weren't here, you didn't see what he did, Nathaniel. You want the culprit who destroyed our family? It was him, without question.”

 This couldn't have gone better if I’d given her a script, Agatha thought.

 “I...had no idea.”

_Of course you did,_ Agatha mentally scolded him.

 “Of course you did,” said Delilah, bringing voice to Aggie’s thoughts. “But you always worshipped father, right from when you were a little boy.” He let got of her shoulders. “Come, brother. Let us sit and catch up for a bit- shall we?”

 Delilah placed her hand on his back and led him inside.

 

Agatha and the others waited outside the house. She was impatient and didn’t like not knowing what they talked about. It was probably just things about her family, but what if the girl had recognised her? Asked after her ‘Brother, dear- wasn’t that the girl you were so smitten with? The one that killed father?’ If anybody could sway his opinion of her, Delilah could.

 But what does it matter what he thinks? Agatha thought, and she truly couldn’t answer that question. She needed his respect, and she knew that she had it already, regardless of how little he liked her. But there was something else that only comes with seeing an old friend after a very long time.

 

After a half an hour, he came back outside, smiling and bidding goodbye to whoever was beyond the door.

“She said she wants me to come back, once all this is done. Meet her husband. She’s

due by the spring. She seems…” He paused. “...happy. She said father deserved to die. I can’t believe it.”

 Agatha soured. “So you still don’t believe me?”

 “I thought he had his reasons. It was a war, for Andraste’s sake. Before I went to the Free Marches he was never...how could he have changed that much?”

 He waited for her to speak, but she stayed silent, letting him come to conclusions on his own.

 “I wish I’d known this sooner, I feel like-” He sighed and shook his head. “When we get back to the keep, can we talk? I think we need to clear the air a bit.” He looked her in the eye.

 “OK, I think I can arrange a talk.”

 He let himself smile for her. “Thank you, Aggie.”

 

 


	7. Read This When You Miss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letter exchanged between Nathaniel and Agatha during his time in the Free Marches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo! I've been waiting to post this chapter because it's probably my favorite. I like to call it 'the medieval sexting chapter'

_Read this when you miss me._ Was written in looping script on the front of the folded paper.

_My Lord,_

_I won’t name myself, or you, just in case this letter falls into the wrong hands. I wouldn’t want to stain either of our reputations with what I’m about to write._

_I miss you when you’re gone. I miss feeling your hands on me and hearing you breathlessly saying my name. I know I’ve never had a way with words, so I apologise if this all sounds terribly silly._

_Remember our first night together? In the visiting carriage after you cheated me out of my hard-won prize. I never told you this, but I was a virgin. I don’t know why I told you I wasn’t, or why I gave myself to you on that night- we had only just met, after all!_

_But I wouldn’t change it for anything. I think about it every day, the way you made me scream, and the way I bit my tongue, just in case somebody heard. And every night after it made any consequences we may face worth it, over and over again (and hopefully again in the future)._

_I’m wearing the necklace you gave me. It’s beautiful. When you’re away I worry that you’re doing what so many noble boys they do when they go away. I’m afraid that you’ll write me back and tell me that you’ve found a new paramour while chasing skirts and drinking fine wines far away from me. I know I have no right to be jealous if you did- we’re not married, nor do I have any claim over you, so I have no standing to be upset. That certainly wouldn’t stop me though._

_Sometimes I think about you when I’m all alone at night. When cold air comes in through my open windows, I huddle under blankets and pretend that it’s you holding me (even if we rarely have a chance to just lie in bed, thinking of nothing)._

_Or when I miss you, I’ll pretend that my hands are yours. I’ll trail my hands along all your favorite places, putting fingers in places that a lady would never dare to speak of and pretend that it’s you touching me in the heat of a summer night._

_It’s winter now and the weather has turned cold, though I hope that nothing ever extinguishes our heat. (That all sounds terribly cliche, doesn’t it? I told you, my Lord, I’m no poet.). Though I’m told that it’s still warm where you are, and maybe that’s enough to keep the embers burning until we meet again._

_I hope that you think of me the same way I do you. Do your hands wander at night, my Lord? I hope that you pretend that I’m with you (you don’t have to admit it if you don’t want to- but if you did, I would be flattered.)_

_But I don’t just miss you for our nights spent behind the carriage house (though that is what comes to mind most often!). I miss hearing your laugh when I try to tell a joke. I miss our shooting competitions (that I always win). I miss when we eat dinner in the grand hall, around our families, and pretending that we didn’t wish that we were anywhere else (there I go with my wandering mind again.) Or when we would eat breakfast on the battlements where no one could see us, eating pastries stolen from the cook and coffee that came all the way from Seheron._

_Read this when you miss me, my Lord, (I hope that happens as often to you as it does to me) and know that I’m always here, looking out across that grand sea, and knowing that you’re across it._

_With love,_

_Your Lady_

 

 

_My Lady,_

_You lie when you say that you don’t have a way with words. You forget that I know you better than anybody, and your silver tongue is what you treasure most. Read this when you miss me, my love._

_I know that you will never call me such, but allow me to in this letter. Of course I remember our first night together. I remember it as one of the best nights of my life._

_I remember being so frustrated when my father suggested another woman to me, hoping that I would finally marry the pretty girl and settle down and finally let them have grandchildren to put through hell. I expected you to be like all the rest (Nobles in general, not just the girls- they tend to be a bit sharper than their warrior lords.) all vapid and dull, but when I saw you I was entranced._

_I hadn’t even spoken to you yet I knew that you were a wolf among hounds. No, that’s no good- a raven among pigeons. You know what I mean (it’s you who is the poet, my Lady, not I)._

_When our eyes met I saw a challenge (knowing you now, I’m sure that you meant it as such.) You danced with every man at the ball but me, but our eyes never parted. I asked questions about you, and I learned your favorite song (though you probably thought it was a fateful coincidence. Honestly, that may have been more romantic.) and finally asked you to dance._

_The way you looked that night made me want you, but when you spoke, I knew I needed you. I needed to be around you, to hear you talk and make you laugh. It took everything I had not to kiss you when you said my shots must be ‘not up to par’._

_When I saw you shoot I knew I would lose eventually. Not because you’re better than me (you aren’t) but because you were so determined to win. I could see that you were different than the other girls in the ballroom, because you were a completely different girl once you took off that gown. I realized that I was one of the very few people that had seen her, the real person behind her noble facade. So i cheated (I’ll admit it here, but you’ll never have the satisfaction of hearing it aloud.). You did say ‘I’d rather marry you than let you win’ and I supposed that that was my only chance._

_Then you let me touch you. I was so afraid that I was wrong about the signals, that a girl as amazing as you would ever settle for anybody, regardless of who they were. I won’t deny that I put you on a pedestal, but I was so very happy to learn that you weren’t out of reach._

_Your little cries into my neck are always in my mind. The look on your face when you finished, as if I was some kind of wizard for making you feel that._

_I didn’t dare think that you were a virgin at the time, but now that you admit to it, it does make sense. (That’s not a slight on your performance, by any means, my Lady.) But you were more timid than you wanted to be, unsure of what to do but positive that you could work it all to your advantage. You’re a fast learner, I love that about you._

_And you needn’t ever worry about me chasing skirts abroad, no matter how far away from you I am. None of the women here, or anywhere, could ever compare to you. Like the story I read to you, after the knight had tasted the perfect fruit, everything else he put in his mouth turned to ash (not that I had anything, or anybody, else in my mouth.)_

_I miss you. I read your letter over and over again, memorising the words and I can hear them in your voice. So read this when you miss me, my love. Hopefully that’s something that you’ll let me give you._

_With love,_

_your Lord._

__  
  
  



	8. Knocking Like a Normal Person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agatha and Nathaniel have a little talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here's the turning point and I'm really excited to post this! if you like it leave a comment and kudos!

_9:31 Amaranthine_

 

“You cut your hair.”

Agatha jumped. “You can’t just knock on the door like a normal person?”

He smiled to himself, bringing back their tradition of dramatic entrances and romantic melodrama.

“I never thought you’d cut it.” _It was beautiful_ , he didn’t say.

“Well, there was an incident with a lot of blood that I couldn’t get out.” She didn’t bring up that it was his father’s.

“I see.” He wanted to reach out and tuck it behind her ear, but Nathaniel knew his boundaries.

He was amazed with himself. All this time hating her, the grim glances between them, and nightly fantasies of ways to make her beg for death- it was gone in a heartbeat. He resented the fact that he could feel old feelings bubbling up. If she looked at him with that look, called him My Lord, or maybe bit her lip while considering what to say. Just by looking at her, he could tell that she was breaking down too, her posture wasn’t as rigid, she let her emotions play out of her face where she had always been so guarded before. Agatha was starting to trust him again.

“So are you just here to talk about my hair, or did you come for some other reason?” she asked.

“Right. I thought we should talk, or, at least, I should talk and you should listen.” He took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry for how I acted. I mean, I know how you are. I don’t want to say that I thought that you would kill him for your own gain, but…” He stopped, trying to figure out how he could make his apology sound less like an insult.

Aggie sighed and set her jaw, this wasn’t quite how she had expected this to go.

“Don’t look at me like that- you’ve done it before. You’re politics haven’t exactly been clean.”

“Are you here to apologise or to criticize me?”

“I- I’m sorry. I’m here to apologize for how I acted, not to chastise you, you’re right.”

She seemed to shrink a little bit, cocking her head to one side.

Agatha wasn’t accustomed to this sort of kindness. Out of the three people that knew her, not some facade that they wanted to see, they had always been so...expectant that she would see the error of her ways and make amends to the people she had hurt. But not him.

“Aggie…” He took a deep breath. “I know that we can never get back to what we used to be, but I’d like it if we could try to at least be friends again.”

“I’d like that,” she said without any hesitation. Nathaniel smiled at her.

“Good.”

“I have a question for you though,” she started, knowing exactly what she shouldn’t say.

“Ask away.”

“Would you...want us to be what we used to be? I mean I’m not saying that I want that or could even give you that, but I’d like to know.”

He cast his eyes downward. He couldn’t lie to her, she’d know right away- but telling her could keep her away.

“I know that you’re married now, and things are different. I wouldn’t expect anything to-”

She interrupted him. “I know that you’d never expect it- but would you want it?”

Nathaniel understood, _she wants this too._ “Of course I would. I always have, but I won’t push. I’m happy just to be your friend again.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I should go, it’s late.” He went to the door.

“Goodnight, My Lord,” she said quietly.

“Goodnight, My Lady.” He left before she could see him smile.

 

Agatha leaned against the wall, one hand covering her mouth. She was trying to stop herself from thinking, for the first time in a long time. Thinking leads to rational decisions- and rational wasn’t really what she wanted anymore.

It wasn’t how he had said her name, Agatha, Aggie, Ags, her name was always a mask, choosing what another will call her was a calculated choice. But the way he called her My Lady. It was a title she had heard a thousand times from a hundred different nobles, but he never saw her as the pretty noble girl. My Lady was a tease, a way to make her feel absurd for putting so much stock in titles and power. My Lady made her feel more like Agatha that any name could.

Her mind was made. She slipped out of the door, making sure that nobody could see her, and moved hastily and silently down the corridor. She reached his door and saw light coming from the crack at the bottom. He was still awake. She pressed her ear to the door and heard him pacing. She tested the doorknob, delighted to find it unlocked. She turned the knob slowly and let herself inside.

“Can’t you just knock on the door like a normal person?” he mocked.

She chuckled. “Do you have a key I can lock this with?” she asked, casting her eyes around the surprisingly messy room.

“Uh, yes, here you are.” He produced a key from one of his many pockets. She took it and closed the door.

“So did I forget to say something?” He thought he knew why she was here, but didn’t dare hope.

“I want it too. Maker I know I shouldn’t but I really do. I know that I’m married and that it could all go wrong but I want this.”

Nathaniel swore he felt his heart stop.

“Are you certain?”

She nodded her head. Nathaniel swiftly closed the gap between them and kissed her.

 

Kissing him again was like going back in time. She was a teenager again, pushed up against the wall of the carriage house and feeling more rebellious than she ever dared to feel before.

But for all it’s similarities, this time it was different. He seemed to be going faster, like he worried that she would change her mind before he got to see all of her again, but she didn’t mind. She just encouraged him with light touches trailing up his sides and pulled him down onto the bed on top of her.

 

 

Agatha waited for him to fall asleep before leaving. His mirror was dirty, but she could make out her face well enough to ensure she looked presentable, just in case she ran into anybody in the hallway. Before leaving, Aggie cast a glance back to him and she paused.

All this time she had convinced herself that she didn’t miss him, but here she was. She didn’t want to leave, even though staying could ruin everything that she had worked for- but nobody made her feel the way Nathaniel did. He seemed like the only reminder that she had that she was still a person, not just a mass of false personalities made to benefit everybody but herself.

She couldn’t say that she loved him, because she didn’t- not the way that he loved her, anyway, but there was something there that she hadn’t managed to find with anybody else. A certain elation that came to her when she was around him. She wondered if he had that with her. She tore her eyes away from him and slipped out the door.  

 

 


	9. My King

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK this one is really short so I'm going to post two chapters today

_9:31- Denerim_

_Read this when you miss me, my love._

Were the first words of the letter that Alistair had read every night since his return to Denerim. Maker he missed her. Eamon had told him that Alistair was too dependent on his wife- that she may not always be around and Alistair had to become the king that his father was, not to just be a figurehead for his wife to command. But Alistair knew that he had no idea what he was doing, and Aggie did. Not only did she know what she was doing, she loved it, and was good at it. Whenever she walked into a room Alistair took pride in knowing that his wife was, without a doubt, the smartest person in that room.

He worried about her, too. He knew that it was foolish- the woman had slain an archdemon, she could handle herself. He also knew, however little he liked to admit it, that he worried for himself more than for her- specifically, what would happen to him if he lost her.

Alistair knew that that wasn’t something that he could handle. Losing her would break him, and having himself at her side would’ve eased his anxieties, even if she didn’t need to extra protection.

_I’m wearing the necklace you gave me. It’s beautiful. When I’m away I worry that you’re doing what so many noble boys they do when their wives aren’t home. I’m afraid that you’ll write me back and tell me that you’ve found a new paramour while chasing skirts and drinking fine wines far away from me._

Is what he had read in her letter, though he wasn’t certain what necklace she referred to. It was so absurd that she might worry about his fidelity when she was in so much danger herself. And he never would do that to her anyway, she was his first and only love, and the most important person in the world to him. Eamon had suggested a mistress- many kings, if not all, kept them on the side when their wives were away. Although, Alistair suspected, that Eamon’s main concern was for his heir. Conceiving a child with Agatha was proving impossible, even if they had had little time to try since they were married. Having a bastard, maybe with a girl that looked a bit similar, would be easy to pass off as their child. But he didn’t want that- he knew what it was like to grow up a royal bastard, and didn’t want to force that on another child. He didn’t want to do that to his wife, and he certainly didn’t want to go to bed with somebody that he didn’t love with all his heart.

Alistair couldn’t figure out why, but Eamon never liked Agatha. Every time they were in a room together they would both tense up, and it suddenly seemed like they couldn’t get enough time with Alistair.

And then there was that Howe fellow. Alistair couldn’t figure out for the life of him why she had recruited him. Becoming a Warden had been the best thing to happen to either of them- but that man was a criminal and a liability. On top of that, she had tried to lie about his being there- Agatha had never lied to him before, so why had she protected this man?

Alistair scolded himself- he trusted his wife. He knew that she would never do anything to hurt him. But he feared for her. There was something in the Howe that Agatha trusted, but she could be too trusting, he had seen it before, and that man was not somebody that could be trusted.

She hadn’t listened to him, and once she decided to trust somebody, it would take a lot to dissuade her. The Howe had to be caught in the act, and his wife needed to be protected. 


	10. Shooting Ranges and Carriage Houses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second chapter posted today and this one I like to call the drama chapter- leave a comment/kudos if you like it!

_9:31 Amaranthine_

 

Night after night they had been together. Nathaniel could hardly remember a time that he had been happier. Before, he knew that, if she married, it would be over between them. He knew that she cared about him, but not more than her own status.

But now it was different: now, their being together could ruin everything, but she still chose him. He worried for her, he had no idea what kind of man her husband was, what might happen to her if they were caught, but right now all he could think about was how she had chosen to be with him, despite the risks.

He never wanted to let himself believe it- but Nathaniel really thought that he had a chance with her this time. She had chosen him, _maybe that meant that she loved him too._

  
  


“Agatha, I know that I’m not usually somebody that you would go to for advice,” Oghren started to say, later that evening.

“You’re right, you’re not. But I still value your opinion, usually as an example of what not to do.” She smiled, making sure that he knew it was a joke.

“Wow, a witty rogue- who’s heard of that one before?” He elbowed her.

“Well, what can I say, I’m a stereotype. What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Well...it’s about Nathaniel.”

Agatha tensed up. Oghren and Nathaniel had travelled around enough together that he must have an opinion of him. She remembered a conversation that the two of them had had while walking through the Black Marsh.

  
  


_“Were you there when my father was killed?”_ Nathaniel had asked. Agatha almost felt the tension around their party thicken. She and Oghren shared a nervous glance, and she shook her head as subtly as possible.

Oghren sighed. _“Don’t go diggin’ in the dust for things laid to rest. Does no one any good.”_ Agatha had bit her lip nervously.

_“Whatever people say about him he was still my father. And I just want to know if…”_ He had paused. _“If he suffered.”_ Oghren had a quick image of Agatha, hacking away at the still living man with a blunted axe flash before him. He couldn’t tell the poor kid about that.

The dwarf groaned. _“I’m not the person to ask.”_

Nathaniel sighed in annoyance. _“Very well, Oghren. Avoid the question.”_ Though everybody else present, even those who hadn’t a clue what had happened in that dungeon, could see that not telling Nathaniel was the best course of action.

 

 

“What about him?” Agatha made herself sound ignorant.

“I’m not saying I know anything, but I’m just gonna say that you should be careful.”

She furrowed her brow. “What are you talking about?”

Oghren sighed. He almost seems sober, Agatha thought.

“Look, no matter what you do, I’ll be on your side. But I also know Alistair, and if he finds out, he won’t be happy. If you want a surefire way to wreck a kingdom- hurting that boy’s feelings might be at the top of the list.”

Agatha thought. “Thank you, Oghren. You don’t need to worry about me, really. I trust you haven’t told anybody about this?”

“Of course not, if anybody does find out, it won’t be from me. I just wouldn’t want my kid’s namesake to be a disgraced hero or anything.”

Agatha smiled. Sometimes she forgot that Oghren had named ‘the nugget’ after her.

 

What Oghren had said worried her. She chewed on her lip, looking high and low for her paramour. He was by the carriage house, fletching his arrows.

“We need to talk.”

His head snapped up, not realizing she was there.

“About?”

“This. Us. I don’t know.” She slid down the wall and sat next to him.

He put down his arrows to look at her.

“I’m just scared out of my mind that somebody will find out,” she said. She didn’t look him in the eye.

“We’ve been careful, Aggs, nobody’s going to find out,” he tried to comfort her.

“Oghren did.”

“What?” he said in disbelief.

“Yeah, said he figured it out. I don’t know how.”

“Do you think he’ll tell somebody?”

“No. He’s a mess, but I know I can trust him.”

She pulled her legs up to her chest and put her head down. She was as surprised as he was when a sob cut through her. She felt Nathaniel’s strong arms pull her close and he let her cry. She turned and buried her face in his chest.

“We could always just run away,” he half-joked.

“Don’t be stupid,” she said. She turned her face up, all stained with tears, and kissed him. He couldn’t solve her problems, she knew that, but he could certainly help her forget that she had any.

 

Alistair arrived in Amaranthine after a long week’s ride. He came into the keep and found one of the people he recognized as a warden.

“Have you seen the commander?” he asked the blond mage.

“Uh, yeah, I think she went to the shooting range?” Anders answered.

Alistair left the keep and wandered towards the shooting range, which was set up near the carriage house. He always found that curious, but she set it up that way wherever she went. She had told him it was because that’s how it was in Highever.

He cast his eyes around, but didn’t see her. As he wandered closer, however, he heard an odd noise.

  
  


Agatha knew it was dangerous, they would outside in the open for the Maker’s sake. But Nathaniel made her forget that. She kissed him hard on the mouth, forcing herself to forget that the rest of the world existed. He had been hesitant at first, but quickly realized that this was what she needed. She silently thanked herself for deciding to put on a dress that morning.

 

Nathaniel didn’t know if what he was doing was right, but he wasn’t about to deny her what she wanted. He pulled up the dress after she positioned herself on top of him, never breaking their kiss. He moved away her smalls and dipped a finger inside her. He grinned against her mouth when he heard her purr.

 

Alistair got closer and the sounds got louder. He walked into the carriage house and nothing was there. The he heard a bump against the back wall. He left the building and began to walk around, curious as to what he might find.

 

Agatha wanted to be noisy, to let out all of her frustrations and fears without having to actually say a word. But she bit her lip. She wanted to forget that her predicament surrounded her but was forced to remember where she was. She was unable to hold back a moan when she felt his thumb brush against her clit.

 

Alistair rounded the building, just peering around the corner to catch a peek at what was making the noise. His face when as red as a ripe tomato when he saw them. He quickly looked away. He shut his eyes tight and almost walked away but then paused. They looked familiar. He peeked again, a little longer this time, and what he saw felt like he was being stabbed in the heart. He turned away quickly and walked as fast as he could back to the keep.

  
  


Neither of them noticed their intruder.

 

 

 


	11. Lies Upon Lies Upon Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so here's the beginning of act 3 kinda- enjoy enjoy

9:31 Amaranthine

 

Agatha had wiped the remaining tears from her face, straightened her dress, and her hair, then left without a word to Nathaniel. She told herself she had some thinking to do.

She went into her quarters and saw her husband sitting at the small table, nursing a nearly empty tankard and his head in his hands.

“Maker’s Breath, Alistair what are you doing here?” She rushed over to him.

Normally, when Alistair was drunk, in Agatha’s experience, he was very affectionate and cheerful. She feared what brought this melancholy on, and hoped that she didn’t already know.

“How could you, Aggie?” He looked at her for only a moment then returned his gaze to his tankard.

“What are you talking about?” Her voice wavered.

“What am I talking about? Did you do anything else that I might be this upset about? Sell secrets to Orlais? Murder Eamon? Or are you just trying to pretend that you weren’t….that you didn’t....” He was interrupted by a sob.

She covered her face in her hands and shrunk to the ground.

“Alistair, I…” She didn’t know how to finish. She had to make up a story, something, _anything_ , to make this stop. She had always convinced herself that she didn’t care for Alistair in the slightest but seeing him like this proved her wrong.

“I lied to you,” she started, still unsure of where she was going to go.

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“No, I mean a long time ago.”

“What are you talking about?” Alistair looked at her.

Aggie forced herself to cry. “I’m so sorry, Alistair I was just scared. I wanted things to just be like they were for just a little while I’m so sorry.” She choked out. _Maker, I hope this works_ , she thought.

“A few years ago, Nathaniel and I were...involved,” she said, letting her voice crack on the last syllable. “And I never told you because…” She scrambled for a thought. “I thought you wouldn’t want me if you knew that I’d been with another man.” She paused to cry.

“Why would you think that?” His voice was barely a whisper.

“Because you were handsome and funny and a bloody prince. Why would _you_ want someone like me- especially if I was... _spoiled_.” She repeated the words an instructor had once said to her as a girl. “And then today, I don’t know, I guess everything had just gotten so complicated I wanted to...pretend that I was a teenager again.” She wiped her eyes, then looked at her husband.

“But why?” he asked again. Alistair wasn’t sure if there was any answer that he would accept.

“I’m pregnant.” _Shit._ She hadn’t meant to say that. She didn’t know how to get out of this.

“What?” She heard hope in his voice.

“Yeah. I’m pregnant. I had Anders, that mage, check. I’m so sorry I’m just scared and you weren’t here and I just…” She trailed off and he tugged her into a tight hug.

 

 _There we go_ , Agatha thought. She had him. She forced another breakdown into sobs, making herself sound like she was trying to speak but just couldn’t get out the words. She held her head between her knees, but heard him get off his chair to sit on the floor beside her. For the second time that day she was pulled into the arms of a lover and she cried. As did he. She could feel her hair getting wet from his tears as he hugged her closer.

“I love you so much, Alistair,” she said just loud enough for him to hear. He responded by hugging her closer.

 

 


	12. Soldier's Peak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's times like these that remind me what a terrible person my warden is- so sorry about that  
> this is an aggie-heavy chapter sorry

9:32 Dragon, First Day, Amaranthine

 

Bann Esmerelle had disappeared from her cell. Everybody in the keep had thought it odd that the Warden Commander had spared her at all, though it clearly spoke for her generous and trusting personality. But here they were, the day after the Queen left for Denerim, her would-be-assassin goes missing, and the people of Vigil’s Keep worry.

 

\----Soldier’s Peak------

 

Agatha was swathed in fur, squinting her eye against the Ferelden snow and cold. It was growing dark, but the fortress could be seen on the Horizon, black against the grey sky.

Her prisoner squirmed behind her, muffled shouts of displeasure coming from behind a gag.

Soldier’s Keep was exactly as she had remembered it, only with fewer demons. She led her prisoner inside, holding her hair tight in a gloved hand. None of the great fireplaces were lit, and snow dusted across the floor.

“Avernus!” she called and heard it echo across the grand room. “Avernus!” She tried again, louder. She heard a bang, and strode purposefully towards to malificar's tower.

Agatha pounded on the door until a slot opened, revealing old, bloodshot eyes.

“ _Warden Commander_?” Avernus seemed surprised.

“Yes. Let me in, I need your help with something.”

The slot closed and the door creaked open.

“What is it you need, Commander?” He eyed her prisoner suspiciously.

“You heard of my marriage to the King, I assume?” she said and dragged the Bann to a corner, locking her to a heavy looking table.

“Yes, I got a letter.”

“Well, you may also be aware that the Warden taint would render the king and I both...infertile.” She sat down in the biggest chair in the room, tenting her fingers.

“Ahh, so you thought that my talents would come in handy?” The old man grinned, his remaining teeth grey and rotten.

“Exactly. I did a bit of research, but the resources on the topic are limited. What I did see, however, is a general consensus that a life must be sacrificed in order to bring another into the world by way of magic- am I correct?”

Avernus nodded.

“And do you think that you would be able to perform such a ritual?”

“Is this the sacrifice, then?” He gestured to the terrified Bann.

“It is. Before we proceed, though, will this ritual make the child a mage?”

He thought for a moment. “Is she a mage?” He pointed at Esmerelle.

“No.”

“Then no, the child will not be a mage.” Avernus said.

“Wonderful, can we do this now?”

“Yes. Is the King with you?”

“No. And he isn’t to know anything about this.”

“I see. I will provide you with two potions. Have the king drink one with his wine, and you drink the other. As long as you are intimate within, oh, twelve hours or so, you should become pregnant, your majesty.”

“Excellent. Let us begin.”

 

The ritual was bloody, to put it lightly. The Bann screamed and pleaded, all her cold arrogance long gone. Avernus slit her throat as Agatha watched from the twisted black chair. The blood seemed to flood the room, covering everything in sight with red. It filled the air, flying in a circle around the Maleficar. He shouted words that sounded wrong coming from a human tongue. With a final shout, all the blood condensed itself, and poured from the room into two small bottles. Avernus collapsed with exhaustion, breathing heavily.

Agatha stood after a few moments, after she was sure it was safe. The room felt different, the stink of death laid on each dust mote that floated through the air. She bent over and took both bottles.

“Thank you, Avernus, you have served the crown well.” Agatha walked out, slamming the door shut and not waiting for his reply.

 

 


	13. Concerning Kings and Thieves

9:31 Amaranthine

Agatha had begun to avoid Nathaniel. Not because she didn’t want to see him, or didn’t want to talk to him about what had happened, but because Alistair was still in the keep.

Since sharing the news of her fake pregnancy he had hovered, hardly giving her a moment to herself. The topic of her infidelity had never come up again, and almost seemed to have left his mind altogether. She had never seen her husband so happy.

 

“Alistair, I love you, but you should really get back to the Capital. I promise, I’ll be okay without you,” she said after two weeks of his presence.

“You need to be careful, Aggie. Let me take over here and you can go back to Denerim,” he suggested. Agatha cringed inwardly at the thought of him being left alone with Nathaniel.

“I need to finish this. It’s almost over, I think. We’re going to go to Black Marsh tomorrow, and there’s a Warden there who can help us.”

“We?” He looked agitated.

“Oghren, Anders, Nathaniel, and I. I’ll be safe and sound, don’t you worry.”

“Oh,” he said, pulling his hand away from hers.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s just...do you have to bring Howe? I know that you won’t do anything with him, but I don’t trust him.”

“Alistair I know how you feel, but I need him. I need another archer around, you know that’s how I fight best. Remember Leliana and I? That was a dream team if there ever was one!” She laughed. “You don’t need to worry. Oghren will keep an eye on him, okay?”

Alistair chuckled. “You’re right, I’m being silly. I just worry about you, especially now that it isn’t just you.”

Aggie smiled and blushed. “Go on, love, get back to Denerim. Ferelden needs you more than I do.”

“Fine, I will. I’m going. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

 

 

 

Nathaniel was just finishing packing for the trip to the black marsh. He was glad that Agatha had asked him to come. He hadn’t been able to get a word in with her since Alistair had come to the Keep, which was reasonable, considering what the poor man had seen.

There was a knock on his door. When he answered it, Alistair stood before him, looking much bigger than he had recalled.

“Can I help you?” Nathaniel asked, cursing himself for sounding nervous.

“Yeah. I need to have a word with you.”

Alistair sounded so deflated, Nathaniel noted, which took his fear of the man down considerably.

“Okay, I think I can handle that.” Nathaniel invited him in.

“Look, I trust Aggie, but I don’t think she’s telling me the whole truth. Was that really the only time that you two were together since she came to Amaranthine?”

“Of course.” Nathaniel answered too quickly.

“Do you think…” He exhaled slowly. “Do you think that she loves you?”

Nathaniel looked down to his shoes and sat on the chair by his desk.

He didn’t speak for a few moments. “No, she doesn’t. Maker I wish she did; if I’m totally honest.” He laughed humorlessly.

Alistair did the same. “Sometimes I feel the same way.”

“You shouldn’t. She chose you, you know. She does love you, she’s told me so.” He lied. She loved his position, she loved the way he loved her, but Howe knew that she never loved either of them.

“Really?” Alistair looked at him, trying to find a lie.

Nathaniel nodded. “Don’t worry about me. I’ve loved her from afar for what feels like forever, I think I can stand to do it for a while longer.” Why he was confessing to this man, Nathaniel had no idea.

“But you two were...together, weren’t you? Why didn’t you marry?”

Nathaniel smiled sadly. “I wasn’t what she wanted. I knew that, I was just trying to take what I could manage. But she didn’t want to be some Arl’s wife. We were best friends, but she never wanted to be somebody’s accessory. Agatha was always destined for greatness. She wanted to have adventures and I…” He paused. “I guess I didn’t.”

“Thank you that’s...good to hear. And I trust that you won’t try anything with her again?” Alistair changed his tone to something more assertive.

“No, I don’t think I will.” Nathaniel wasn’t sure that he was lying anymore.

 


	14. Welcome Home

9:32 Denerim

 

Agatha rode in on horseback, approaching the castle gate as fast as she could manage with the grateful Fereldans that tried to touch their savior whenever she passed. Alistair waited outside for her patiently, standing tall and regal, but smiling wide as could be to see her arrive.

“Alistair!” she exclaimed, dismounting her horse and sprinting up the steps to hug him. He picked her up and swung her around and kissed her.

“I missed you,” he said quietly. When they pulled apart he turned red, realizing that a full compliment of guards had just seen the reunion.

“Come now, my love, I’ve missed you terribly.”

 

They walked upstairs to their bedroom. Kissing periodically along the way when they were out of sight.

“Oh! I almost forgot- I got you, well, us, a gift!” She turned around and pulled a bottle of wine out of her bag. “Very fine bottle, all the way from the Antivan chantry.”

“Ooh, fancy, aren’t we?” Alistair joked.

“Well, we are royalty, my love. We’d best take advantage of it.” She giggled. “I’ll pour you a glass, could you ask somebody to get us some food? I’m not leaving this room till morning.”

Alistair grinned and scurried off. Agatha acted quickly, uncorking the bottle and pouring him a glass, then topping it off with the potion, which turned the wine a darker red. She downed her potion in one gulp, surprised at how nice and warm it tastes. She poured herself a glass of the wine and drank while she waited. When Alistair returned he had a plate of cheeses.

Aggie chuckled. “Was that the best you could manage?”

“Wine and cheese, that’s not such an absurd thought.”

She laughed and handed him his glass. He took a sip.

“Wow that is fantastic. Where did this come from again?”

“Antiva.”

It didn’t take him long to finish the glass, and that was when she pounced on her prey.

“I miss you, Alistair,” she said seductively.

“And I you, my lady,” he teased. She tensed up at the name, but forced herself not to dwell on it.

She undressed slowly, making sure he got the best view he could, and so he could remember just how much he missed her. When he couldn’t take it anymore he reached out for her hips, pulling her closer to him and lowered his lips to hers. He ran his hands down her back and she worked at his collar, undressing him efficiently until his broad shoulders were bare.

She lowered herself onto the bed and let Alistair settle on top of her, confident that her plan was going to pull through.


	15. The Deadly Looks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if any of you ship nathaniel/velanna bc this chapter kinda kicks that around a bit in an unfun way

9:31 Amaranthine

 

_“Still with the deadly looks, My Lady?”_ Nathaniel had said in a tone Agatha clearly recognized as seductive. She had whirled her head around, about to shush him, as they were in public, but froze when she saw that he wasn’t, in fact, speaking to her.

_“My Lady is such a human thing to call someone,”_ Velanna had replied in disdain.

_“It is a term of respect. You think it’s human to be respectful?”_ he asked her innocently.

“ _Now you’re mocking me,”_ the elf replied quickly.

_“I think you’re a lovely woman,”_ \--Agatha had bristled at that-- _“and due some respect, so I call you My Lady.”_ He finished the conversation simply.

 

Agatha had proceeded to turn around and raised an eyebrow at him, to which he winked.

 

To say that the exchange had confused her would have been an understatement. Nathaniel was hers, not because she had any exclusive claim on him, which she clearly didn’t, but simply because he couldn’t possibly want anybody else. She had to keep her distance for the moment: they had been found out, they couldn’t be together anymore, but that didn’t mean he could be with somebody else. Agatha knew that she wasn’t thinking rationally, but rationality had never been on her mind when it came to Nathaniel Howe.

 

She unlocked his bedroom door with an extra key. She was wearing nothing but his favorite boots and a long robe that she would wear after getting out of a bath. He wasn’t there, but she didn’t intend to leave until she saw him.

Agatha wandered to his desk, picking up letters and small trinkets. Bow schematics, old letters he had probably found stuffed in desks. She smiled when she saw her old r _ead this when you miss me_ letter among them, heavily worn and had clearly been folded and unfolded a hundred times.

The door creaked open and she smiled to herself.

“What are you doing here?” she heard him say from behind her.

“I just came to ask you a few questions. Lock the door.” He obeyed. She moved closer to him, placing her hands on his shoulders. “I know we never talked about it, but I always assumed that _My Lady_ was exclusive only to me. As a term of endearment, anyway.” She turned him around and pushed him onto his bed.

“Oh? So you heard my little chat with Velanna, then?” He grinned wickedly at her. She turned her mouth into a thin line and crossed her arms.

“What would you have me do, my Lord? Whittle down my ears?” She touched her ear lightly, “Get a tattoo?” She dragged her hand down her neck and to the robe’s collar, pulling it loose. “Go live in the forest and Adopt an inflated sense of superiority ?” Agatha moved her hands down to the belt that held her robe in place.

“I think you have that last one down already, _my Lady._ ”

“Oh, you wound me.” she pulled the belt free and let her robe fall open. “So, tell me, my Lord, what do I have to do to get you back?” She pulled the robe down and dropped in on the floor, leaving her only in her boots.

“You could start by giving me a kiss, my Lady.” He sat up and angled his head towards her mouth.

“I hardly think you deserve such a thing. Just answer one little question.” She took a step closer.

“Anything.”

“What does she have that I don’t?” She closed the gap between them, leaving her face only inches from his.

“I can’t compliment you in public, Aggie, and she looked like it might brighten her mood.” He reached up and stroked her face. “But I assure you, _my Lady_ , any words towards another woman are always meant for you.”

She smiled and narrowed her eyes. “Good answer.” She shoved him onto his back and climbed on top of him. She kissed him fiercely and bit down on his bottom lip.

 

Nathaniel looked at her, actually asleep in his bed for the first time. He had thought that flirting with somebody else might make his feelings for her lessen, but clearly he had been wrong. He had tried to speak with one of the serving girls when Agatha wasn’t present, but it felt wrong, like he was betraying her. So he flirted in front of her, and he already knew what a jealous person she could be. Part of him still thought that he could change her mind about him, that they would run away and actually be together, that she would realize that she didn’t need all of that power, and they could be happy together. But the sensible part of him knew that if she did that, she wouldn’t be the woman he loved.

 

 


	16. Twin Expeditions

_9:32 Denerim_

 

Agatha was covered in a sheen of sweat. Her cheeks were gaunt and her skin was pale and tinged grey. Alistair held her hand tightly, pressing his forehead against her fingers.

“Alistair, I need you to listen to me.”

He looked up at her.

“Get Leliana, Nathaniel, and my brother. I think we can save me still.”

He nodded and kissed her forehead.

“I’ll send word at once, my love. I won’t let you die, I swear.”

 

It took only four days for all of them to arrive. Each came rushing to her as fast as they could. Alistair left them alone.

It was odd, Aggie thought, seeing the three people who she never had to lie to in a room together. Fergus had always known, of course. Her disposition was partially his fault, convincing her to flirt with guardsmen and kitchen boys to get extra treats or out of the castle into the city. Leliana had guessed, as she had played many parts over her lifetime. And Nathaniel had never been lied to.

“Fergus-” she addressed her brother, her voice quiet and rough. “I need you, Alistair, and Nathaniel to go to the urn of sacred ashes. Please, I know I can count on you three to save me.”

Fergus chuckled sadly. “Why are you the first one to think of that?”

“I’m not, but I think that you three will be the ones that can actually get the ashes for me.”

“We’ll make the arrangements and leave in the morning.” Nathaniel said from the back of the room.

Fergus and Nathaniel left to inform Alistair of the plan. She worried about sending Nathaniel with them, considering both her husband and brother would have reason enough to want him dead, but she knew her men well enough to know that she would be their top priority.

“Leliana, my dear Leliana.” She reached up a hand to wipe her friend’s tears off her cheek. “I need you to do something very special for me. Find Zevran and Oghren. Please, don’t ask why, but I need their help.”

Leliana was puzzled, but decided not to question it. She found Zevran quickly enough, dragging him out of Antiva and back to Ferelden. Within two weeks they had both arrived.

“Maker’s breathe, Agatha, you look terrible!” Zevran shouted upon seeing her. If it had come from anybody else they would be facing a death sentence, but with Zevran she let it slide. “So, what is this job that you can entrust only to us.”

“Well…” She took a deep breath. “First, please make sure that nobody could be listening to this.” Once they were certain to be alone, Agatha started. “Do you remember Soldier’s Peak? With the demons and that blood mage Avernus?”

The two of them nodded.

“Well, you two are, let’s face it, my most morally ambiguous friends, and I need you to go back there. Find Avernus and tell him what’s happened.”

“Do you think that this illness has something to do with him?” Zevran inquired.

“Well, sort of. You may know that the warden taint makes it very difficult to have a child. I needed an heir, and it was proving impossible, so I went to Avernus. He made a…” She leaned in and lowered her voice. “...sacrifice,” she whispered. Zevran’s eyes widened. “Then he gave me a potion that I put into Alistair’s wine and now...” She gestured to her large stomach. “And I don’t know what’s happening. This feels like blood magic, when they cast the spells that drain your life force but I don’t understand. Avernus said a life for a life, we made the sacrifice I just….don’t understand.”

“Of course we’ll go, Warden. We owe you.” Oghren grinned at her, seemingly completely okay with what she had just told them.

“Really? Oh, Maker, thank you so much.”

 

 

Zevran and Oghren rode out in the night, unseen by anybody. The King, The Teryn of Highever, and the noble pariah rode out in the morning to much fanfare.

“So who’s the leader?” Alistair said after a few hours of riding, looking around at his companions.

“What?” Fergus asked.

“Well, if Aggie were with us, she’d be in front and telling us where to go and making all the decisions for us. Aggie isn’t here, so who’s the leader?”

Nathaniel snorted a laugh. “You’re the King, aren’t you?”

“Sure, but it doesn’t mean I’m the leader. That’s her job and I think all of Ferelden knows it.”

“Why is everybody looking at me?” Fergus asked, noticing their eyes.

“I mean, you two are very similar,” Nathaniel noted.

“Well I am the only Cousland here. Just promise that neither of you will project your weird feelings for my sister onto me if I’m the one holding the map.”

Nathaniel shifted uncomfortably and Alistair just laughed. “Yes, my dear,” he said, really laughing for the first time since his wife had fallen ill.


	17. The Morning After (The Night Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posting two chapters today- leave a kudos and a comment if you like it!

9:31 Amaranthine

 

When Agatha opened her eyes, the sun was streaming through the window. She stretched out her arms and felt somebody next to her. When she looked over she was horrified to see Nathaniel Howe.

“ _Shit_ , did I fall asleep?” She rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

“Yeah, I suppose you did.” He smiled at her.

“And you didn’t wake me?” She leaped from her bed and rushed to her clothing. The silently thanked herself for the fact that it was her ordinary leathers and nothing that she would be questioned for wearing two days in a row. “Why don’t you have a mirror in here?”

“Because I just wake up looking fine,” he joked. She glanced back at him and had to agree that, yes, he did look fantastic with bedhead.

“How could you do this to me?” she scolded.

“What did I do to you now? Not wake you up?”

“This never should’ve happened. If we get caught again everything I’ve worked for goes out the window.”

“You came here, remember? I had assumed it was over after Alistair found out but you started it up again- how exactly is this my fault?” he shouted.

“Keep your voice down!” she whispered harshly. “It’s your fault because you’re supposed to be my impulse control when we’re together. You know I never make good decisions when I’m with you- we never would’ve started this to begin with if I did.”

“I still don’t see why you’re blaming me for your personal faults.”

“My faults? You’re the one always telling me to let go and be a human being for once and when I do it’s a _fault_?”

“You seem to think so.”

“Trust me when I say that this will never happen again, Howe.”

He barked a laugh, thinking on the many times that she’d said those words in the past.

“No! Don’t you dare laugh, I mean it this time. Alistair is my husband, I’m the sodding Queen of Ferelden, I can’t be having an affair with some _nobody_.”

He stopped laughing. “ _Nobody_? If I remember correctly it’s you that made me a _nobody_.”

Agatha opened her mouth as if to speak then closed it. She seemed to deflate.

“Maker I just don’t know what to do anymore.” She sat down on his bed.

Nathaniel was taken aback, but his anger seemed to disappear with hers. He sat down next to her.

“You’ll be okay, Aggs.”

“Will I? I don’t think I can have children, my husband thinks I’m pregnant, I’m probably one mistake away from losing him completely and despite everything and all it could ruin I still want to be with you.”

“I love you,” he murmured, kissing the top of her head as she leaned against him.

“I know you do.”


	18. The Gauntlet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK this chapter is really long sorry about that, also some of the dialogue is taken directly from the game

_9:32 Haven_

 

The village was still empty. There was supposed to be an expedition to the temple soon, led by Leliana, but it hadn’t begun. The three men rode their horses carefully and in silence.

“Do you know the way, Alistair?” Nathaniel asked. His voice cut through the foggy silence and seemed to startle the entire party.

“Yes, it should be just up this hill.”

 

They walked cautiously across the bridge.

“Last time I was here there was a dragon. It probably won’t be here this time, since we killed it. But you can never be too careful, right?” Alistair’s attempt at humor fell flat. They hauled open the heavy door and were greeted by the familiar spectral. Fergus began to draw his sword, but Alistair stayed his hand.

 _“I bid you welcome, pilgrims,”_ the armored figure before them said, voice seeming to echo across the spacious cavern.

“Who are you?” Nathaniel asked cautiously.

“He’s a sort of...guardian. I think,” Alistair answered for him.

_“Ah, yes, you I have seen before.”_

Alistair stepped forward. “Yes. I seek the ashes once again to cure my wife, the queen, of a mysterious ailment.”

_“As you would recall, I care not for your purpose. Only that you are worthy to look upon the ashes.”_

“Of course.”

“And are we, uh, worthy?” Fergus spoke up.

 _“I do not know yet.”_ The spectral replied. It eyed them all curiously. _“There is suffering behind that somber mask, isn’t there, Nathaniel Howe?”_

Nathaniel looked surprised to hear it speak his name.

_“You don’t want to blame her, yet you think that if she had only agreed to marry you so long ago, perhaps your father would’ve been satisfied with his claim on Highever. Tell me, Nathaniel, do you blame Agatha for the fall of both the Howe and Cousland legacies?”_

Nathaniel paused. He could only think of one time when these thoughts had come across his mind after he had forgiven her.

“I...I have no idea,” was his honest answer. “I don’t think I do, no. But I do wonder…” he said, possibly to himself.

Fergus bristled at Nathaniel’s answer. “What do you mean you don’t know? You’re father was a madman, my sister had nothing to do with what that monster did.”

“I didn’t say that she did, Fergus,” he responded coolly.

“Agatha may swoon over the whole self-pity angle, Nate, but I’m not buying it. She didn’t marry you, that’s the end of the story. You don’t need to base your whole damned self image around my sister rejecting you,” Fergus tried to respond clearly.

“I can’t exactly help the fact that your sister is a big part of my life. Are you really so surprised that I think about these things?”

Fergus didn’t answer.

The guardian looked between the two men, waiting patiently for them to finish.

 _“Fergus Cousland,”_ he said after he was certain that they had finished. _“You weren’t there when your family was massacred. Do you believe that if you had been there, instead of your sister, then they all might’ve lived? Do you think that you would’ve fought harder for their lives than she would?”_

Fergus didn’t want to answer truthfully. He didn’t want to admit to the two men on either side of him, who his sister had bewitched to thoroughly into believing in her, that he believed this to be true. He knew that Agatha had done the best that she could, but casualties were never going to be an issue in her mind.”

“No. I know that she couldn’t have done anything to stop it,” he lied.

The guardian narrowed his eyes before turning to Alistair.

_“New troubles rest upon your shoulders than the last time we met, Alistair.”_

Alistair looked down at his shoes, avoiding the Guardian’s gaze.

_“Do you think that the ritual was worth it?”_

This caught Alistair off guard. He had expected a question about his marriage, or his wife’s infidelity, or his unborn children. But this was probably worse, he thought.

“Yes,” he answered shortly. The guardian nodded, accepting the answer.

“What ritual?” Fergus asked.

“It’s not important.” Alistair muttered.

“So may we pass, Guardian?” Nathaniel asked.

“ _Fergus Cousland and Nathaniel Howe may pass.”_

“What about me?” Alistair was confused. His answer had undoubtably been more truthfully than the other men’s.

_“You have already looked upon the ashes. The trials must be past by untested men.”_

The guardian stepped aside, letting the two men pass.

“You have to get those ashes. No matter what happens she _has_ to make it out of this alive,” Alistair shouted after them. The pilgrims believed his words all too well.

 

Fergus and Nathaniel walked into a hall. The walls were lined with ghosts. The men were anxious, looking at all of them. Nathaniel saw an iron door and jogged forward to find it was locked.

“What now?” Nathaniel said.

 _“Echos from the shadow realm, whispers of things yet to come.”_ A woman’s voice seeped into the room like a cold breeze. _“Thought’s strange sister dwells in night, is swept away by dawning light. Of what do I speak?”_

“If we answer the riddles, will you let us pass?” Fergus asked. The spirit nodded.

“Maker’s breath. Aggie probably breezed through here, didn’t she? She was always good at riddles.” Nathaniel laughed uneasily.

“Do you have any ideas?” Fergus looked to him. Nathaniel furrowed his brow.

 _“Dreams!”_ Fergus almost shouted after a moment more of thought.

 _“A dream came to me, as my daughter slumbered beneath my heart. It told her life, her betrayal, and her death. I am sorrow and regret. I am a mother weeping bitter tears over a daughter that she could not save.”_ The spectral vanished into a white light.

They continued through the hall, one ghost after another would tell a tale of Andraste, then vanish. When they finally reached the final wraith, the iron door had opened. They each carefully stepped through a door. Each saw a man facing away from them. They each looked to their side to see that they were alone.

Fergus approached the man, and the closer he got the figure seemed to morph into a woman. She was dressed in a familiar gown, purple and gold. His heart leapt into his throat. He stopped and she turned around, and he choked out a sob when he saw his wife’s face giving him a sly smile.

 _“Have fun with that riddle game, dear?”_ Oriana’s voice rang out as clear as day.

“Oriana,” he choked out, starting to feel tears burning behind his eyes.

 _“Your sister and mother got to our rooms too late. There was nothing that they could’ve done. Fergus, my love, it’s time for you to let us go.”_ She took his hand and pressed something cold into it.

 _“Don’t go.”_ He tried to reach out and touch her face, but she had vanished.

 

Nathaniel’s vision was less welcome. He recognized his father’s stance before he even turned around. The familiar leather formal coat that he always wore hung raggedly upon his shoulders.

 _“What happened to you, my boy?”_ he asked when he turned around.

“I became a Grey Warden after you destroyed our family.”

_“My son never would’ve given up so easily. Why didn’t you kill my murderer?”_

“You’re the murderer here, father, not she.”

Howe laughed and shook his head. _“You were once my favorite son, you know. I don’t know what that girl did to twist you against me so, but she appears to have done a fantastic job.”_

“She didn’t do anything to me. She’s made me better.”

_“She lies.”_

“I don’t care.” Nathaniel stood his ground and his father sneered. “Why did you do it?”

_“Because we deserved so much more than we were given. You could’ve been a teryn instead of just a lowly arl. I was going to keep her alive for you, you know. So you could marry her and we could have a legitimate claim- I knew that's what you would’ve wanted.”_

“I would want Aggie to be forced to marry me? Maker, you don’t know me at all, father, do you?”

_“I know you better than you want to admit. And I know her.”_

“You know nothing about her.”

_“Yes, I do. We’re the same, you know.”_

“No. No, Aggie never would do that.” _She wouldn’t do it because she would know that she couldn’t get away with it._ He thought, and shoved the dark thoughts from my mind.

_“Believe what you wish, Nathaniel. You know it’s true.”_

His father vanished and Nathaniel felt something sharp in his hand.

 

All of a sudden Fergus and Nathaniel were beside each other again.

“Let’s keep moving.”

  
  


They were nearly at the end, both of them could feel it. They rounded a corner and saw two more spirits, one for each of them. The ghostly Nathaniel shot an arrow, which Fergus dodged quickly. The battle sprung into action from there. Each enemy knew all of their moves, so they had to think quick on their feet.

_“Oh come on, Fergus that’s pathetic,” his sister chided when she shot him with an arrow too blunt to pierce his armor._

_“Ow, Maker, stop that!” Fergus scolded._

_“You don’t block on your right side as well as you do on your left. Be careful with that, big brother, anybody that doesn’t fight with you as often as I may not see it, but if an enemy catches on you’d be dead right now.”_

_“Yes, because we fight actual enemies so often.”_

_“I’m being serious. What if the Orlesians storm Ferelden and there’s another war? I don’t want you getting hurt, alright?”_

_“Are you having a feeling,  Naggy Aggie? I never thought I’d see the day!” He laughed._

_“I just don’t want to be left alone with mother, that’s all. You can’t expect me to handle her all on my own, you ass.”_

Fergus kept his eye trained on the right side of the spectral’s body, waiting for an opening. The ghost raised its arm to attack and Fergus slashed his sword underneath its arm. It staggered, allowing Fergus time to bring the sword down on its head.

 

Nathaniel glanced at Fergus hurriedly, seeing that the other warrior had been vanquished. Nathaniel’s own battle was not going nearly so well. Every shot either of them released was blocked knowingly by the attacker. Nathaniel could feel the quiver on his back getting lighter, and he wasn’t sure if spirits ever ran out of arrows.

_He saw her turn quickly, screaming as she narrowly avoided death by smacking the attacking darkspawn with the broader side of her bow. She was out of arrows. Nathaniel tried to aid her as best he could but she and the beast were now locked in hand to hand combat. He saw it bite down on her shoulder and she gave a cry in pain. She caught his eye as he stood atop the hill and with a final effort pulled the hurlock up far enough for Nathaniel to get a shot. His arrow went cleanly through the throat and the darkspawn fell._

Fergus charged the other Nathaniel, knocking it down with his shield. Fergus kept it pinned to the floor, but then ducked backwards just far enough for Nathaniel to shoot the wraith in the eye.

 

Both of them breathed heavily.

“That was…” Fergus took another breath. “Let’s not do that again. Ever.”

Nathaniel let out a breathy laugh in agreement. They recovered themselves and moved onto the next room.

There was a great flame, headed by a stone altar.

_Cast off the worldly trappings of worldly life and cloak yourself in the goodness of spirit. King and Slave, Lord and Beggar, be born anew in the Maker’s light._

 

was carved into the stone’s face.

“What do you think that means?” Fergus asked himself aloud.

“Aggie actually mentioned this to me. She said that they all had to take off their armor and clothes and that Alistair practically had a heart attack.”

Fergus snorted. “That does sound like him.” He pulled his shirt over his head. “And no funny business, alright? At least not in front of Andraste.”

“Don’t worry, I only have eyes for one Cousland,” Nathaniel muttered.

 

As they stripped down to their smalls they walked through the flames. They put their gear back on and carefully walked up the steps to the alter. Nathaniel hesitantly opened the urn, and cried out to see that it was empty.

“No. No no no, this can’t be right. Where are they?” Howe shouted, hoisting the urn off of the pedestal and pushing it to the ground.

“What’d you do that for?” Fergus shouted back.

“It's empty. This is all wrong we can’t go back without them.”

Fergus’s face went blank and he sat down on the steps. His sister was going to die because they couldn’t save her. After all that she’d done for them, saved their lives over and over, and they couldn’t even get her a pouch of magic dust.

Nathaniel raged behind him, his usual stoic persona replaced with rage.

“Maker, I know she doesn’t bloody deserve it but you’ve got to let her live. She defeated your fucking blight and this is how you repay her?” Nathaniel shouted at the hole in the ceiling.

“Is it because we’re not worthy, or is it her? Because I’m not sure any of us deserve them,” Fergus murmured.

“Maker, please don’t let her die. Ferelden needs her.” Both of them pleaded to the empty room. Nathaniel turned to the pedestal that the ashes had sat upon to see a small pile of dust.

“Fergus. _I think he listened_.”

Fergus jumped up and looked at what appeared to be the ashes. “Thank the Maker.” Fergus took out the pouch and sweeped the ashes into it. “We need to hurry.” And they rushed out the door.


	19. Elves, Dwarves, and Mages

9:32 Dragon- Soldier’s peak

 

The dwarf and the elf walked cautiously up the snowy steps.

“Isn’t it summer in Ferelden? What’s going on here?” Zevran asked, his teeth chattering violently.

“What are you asking me for? I grew up underground, remember?” Oghren replied sourly.

 

They came through the great doors into the hall.

“Hello?” Zevran shouted into the cavernous room.

“Who’s there?” an old voice replied.

“We are company of the queen, are you, uh, Abernat?” Oghren realized that he probably hadn’t gotten the man’s name correct.

“Abergus?” Zevran tried.

"Astro?"

"Aladdin?"

“Avernus,” the old man corrected. “Now, what are you doing here?”

“We were sent by Queen Agatha, she said that you provided a potion for her, and now she has fallen ill. Is there any way that you could, I don’t know, fix her?” Zevran mused.

“How do you mean fallen ill?”

“Well she said that it felt like blood magic, and she looks like she was just on the bad end of an entropy spell, so she was fairly certain that it had something to do with her little blood magic baby.”

Avernus made a thoughtful noise.

“The life essence could’ve been insufficient, I suppose,” he murmured. “I’m going to need you boys to bring me a sacrifice. Anyone will do, just be hasty, I doubt that your queen has much time left.”

 

_Denerim_

 

Agatha did not, in fact, have much time left. Her illness was getting worse by the day. Leliana rarely left her bedside,

“Lels?” Aggie choked out.

“Don’t talk, save your energy.” Leliana rested a hand on the Queen’s forehead, which felt dull and cold.

“Do you think I made a mistake?” Agatha pressed on.

“With what?”

“I don’t know. Alistair. Morrigan’s ritual. This whole mess that I’ve gotten myself in.”

“Aggie, I think we’ve all made a lot of mistakes. I won’t deny that a lot of things that you’ve done could be considered wrong, but I think you’ve made the best of it all,” Leliana said.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that the people around you are alive and happy. You may pretend that you don’t care for them all, but you do. You pretend to be other people so that you can make others happy and comfortable. I don’t know if that’s wrong or not, but you’re a good person.”

Agatha just smiled, half convinced that Leliana was just saying these things for her benefit. So that she could pass on with a clean conscience, but either way it was appreciated.  


	20. Namedays in Highever

9:28 Dragon- Highever

  
  


“Aggie! It’s time to wake up!” a soft sing-song voice came from the other side of the door, followed by a soft knock. Agatha groaned and tried to open her eyes, unsuccessfully, only managing to snuggle herself into her feather bed further. Her door creaked open and her mother entered.

Eleanor sat on the bed and put her hand on her daughter’s shoulder.

“Wake up, Aggie. We have a lot to do today.”

Agatha made a grunting noise in response, along with a barely audible “Fifteen more minutes.”

“Time to get up, Naggy Aggie!” Fergus ran into her room and jumped on her bed, landing on her leg. Agatha sat up.

“Maker, Fergus, what’s wrong with you people? If you broke my leg I’ll put one between your eyes.”

He laughed. “I didn’t break your leg, Naggy, calm down. But come on, you’ve got to get up. We’ve got a surprise for you.”

“Do I have to get dressed.”

“Yes,” Eleanor said at the same time that Fergus said “Better to take off your clothes- save time and all.”

Eleanor shot a look at her son. “Fergus, don’t make jokes like that. At least not in front of me.” She smacked him on the leg and he laughed.

“I’m confused.” Agatha said, rubbing the rest of the sleep from her eyes.

Eleanor stood up. “Get dressed, my dear. Then come to the parlor.”

They left the room, then Fergus poked his head back into the room. “Happy nameday, sister.”

She smiled and shook her head. “Thanks.”

She smoothed out her hair in the mirror and put on a blue dress made of warm velvet, it was winter, after all. Agatha walked briskly through the halls, holding her hand over her mouth to stifle the yawns. She heard laughter from the parlor before she opened the door.

“Happy birthday!” They all shouted at once. One voice in particular stood out.

“Happy birthday, my lady.” Nathaniel said.

She just smiled and launched herself into a hug, which mildly startled everybody else in the room, considering how reserved the youngest Cousland tended to be.

“What are you doing here?” she said breathlessly.

“I came for your birthday. You wouldn’t really expect me to miss this, would you?”

“Well considering you were in Ostwich, yeah, I expected a letter and a gift but I didn’t think that you would come.”

He chuckled and turned to the rest of the people in the room. “I hope you don’t mind if I steal your daughter away for a while? I think we have some catching up to do.”

“Oh. Go on,” Eleanor said, sounding hopeful.

 

 

“Let me just go put on my leathers, give me a moment,” Aggie said, dragging him by the hand towards her chambers.

“Really? I had another idea.”

“Oh? And what’s that?”

“Well, all of the servants are working on your party later, your whole family is in the parlor, and this place is just about empty.” He put a hand on her back. She glanced around nervously but made no motion to stop him.

“Come on, we at least have to be behind a locked door.” She pulled him into her quarters and locked the door behind them. He quickly grabbed her waist and pulled her close, kissing her.

“Maker, I missed you,” he murmured against her mouth.

“I was almost worried that you would find somebody else in the marches, My Lord,” she joked while unbuttoning his jerkin.

“I’ll admit, there are pretty girls over there. But nobody as wonderful as you, I promise.”

She hummed in approval. “Oh? So I won’t be hearing about any surprise engagements?”

“Not from me, you won’t.” He finished pulling off her dress. He took a step back to look at her.

“Oh, come on, you’ve seen me naked plenty of times.” She was almost self-conscious.

“True, but I haven’t seen you in months. Gotta get a good image for when I have to leave again.”

“Well you’re not going anywhere today, so we’ve got all the time we need.” She closed the gap between them and kissed him again, slower this time, and they fell onto her bed.

  
  
  


The other three Couslands stayed in the parlor together, each unsure of exactly what to do.

“So he came all this way here,” Eleanor broke the silence. “Do you think he’ll finally propose to her?”

Fergus snorted. “You say that like he hasn’t asked her already. She just won’t say yes.”

“What do you mean? She’s clearly quite taken with him,” Eleanor argued.

“Well sure, they’re very, uh, close, but I don’t think that her ambition is going anywhere, even for him.”

“Do you think that he’s already asked her before? And she refused?”

Fergus laughed again. “I know that she has.”

Eleanor made a dissatisfied noise. “I swear, that girl will be the death of me. How am I supposed to get any more grandchildren?”

“I am married, you know, mother. I mean. I have a son. You have a grandchild.”

“Yet you still act like a child yourself.”

  
  


“So was my only birthday present to be graced with your presence or did you bring something else?” was the first thing she said after they had both finished and had pulled away from a last kiss.

“Of course not, because my sailing for weeks to get here clearly isn’t enough effort, right?”

“Oh, come on, didn’t you bring me anything wonderful from across the sea?” She laughed.

Nathaniel smiled, shook his head, then reached over to his coat. He fished around in the pockets for a few moments before pulling out a small package wrapped in paper.

Agatha opened the paper carefully and saw a pair of leather gloves with a laurel wreath embroidered in them. Her lips quirked up at the corners and she pulled them on. They fit perfectly.

“Is this because you saw me shooting without gloves on?”

“Maybe. Also it’s winter, I figured that you could use them.” He smiled at her expectantly. She reached up and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around her back and pulled her closer, burying his face in her hair.

“I’m glad I’m here.”

“Me too.”

 

 


	21. Gallant Rescues

9:32 Denerim

 

The elf and dwarf sprinted through the palace halls. They shuddered to a halt when they saw Leliana sitting outside one of the rooms.

“You’re back- do you have anything?”

Zevran just breathlessly nodded. They entered the queen’s chambers.

“She’s asleep, do you think we should wake her up?” Leliana whispered, but it was too late.

“Get up, Commander!” Oghren shouted. Agatha jumped into consciousness.

“You’re back,” her voice was weak. “Do you have it?”

Zevran pulled the vial out of a pocket in his bag.

Agatha took it with shaking hands and drank. She seemed to choke on the liquid, in a fashion that was remarkably similar to her joining, she noted before falling unconscious.

 

Fergus, Nathaniel, and Alistair arrived at the castle later on in the day. They entered her room to see their friends crowded around her bed. Alistair’s heart leapt into his throat, fearing that they were too late.

“Is she…” Nathaniel voiced their concerns.

“She’s just asleep.”

“What are you two doing here?” Alistair asked of Oghren and Zevran, finally noticing their presence.

“We heard news of her illness and wanted to know if we could help.”

“Well we brought the ashes. The mother is coming soon.”

Leliana nodded.

  
  


The ritual was complete and Agatha sat up, apparently completely revitalized. Leliana wondered which method had fixed her. Upon hearing Agatha’s plan, she was worried that they might just cancel each other out, but she was alive, and that was what mattered.

 

Three days later, she went into labor. Screams could be heard throughout the castle and all of their guests stood warily outside the Queen’s bedroom.

“Felsi wasn’t this loud when she pushed out my kid- do you think she’s alright in there?” Oghren asked

“Oriana was louder.” Fergus added.

“And she’s always been a screamer.” Nathaniel muttered, only realizing the double meaning after he had said it.

“Really? You really think this is a good time to bring that up?” Fergus sounded hostile.

“I didn’t mean it like that, I meant that she shouts a lot in battle.”

“Sure you did.”

“Stop fighting, boys, this is supposed to be a happy day!” Leliana tried, unsuccessfully to break the tension between them all. The men around her mostly grunted in response, leaving Leliana annoyed and dissatisfied.

Six hours later, Alistair emerged from the room holding a bundle. Leliana cooed and they all crowded around, but when the Queen’s screaming began again, they all froze.

The color drained from Alistair’s face.

“Leliana, look after her, I need to see what’s going on.” He quickly handed the child to her and rushed back into the room.

While Leliana was the sort of person who liked children, babies were another thing, and also were something that Leliana didn’t know how to hold. Fergus chuckled when he saw how uncomfortable she looked and took the baby from her. He looked down and smiled at his niece, marvelling at how much she looked like his late son. He wondered if they would’ve been friends once she got older.

Whatever trouble was going on in the other room, it didn’t last long. Agatha’s screams died down and the visitors heard a faint laugh coming from inside. Alistair opened the door, his face covered in sweat but still smiling.

“I take it there’s good news?”

“The midwife said that two of you can come in at a time.”

Without any discussion Leliana and Fergus headed inside, Fergus passed the baby back to her father and then saw his sister. She was holding another child against her chest.

“You look like hell, little sister.”

“I feel like I’ve been there.” She laughed a little, but her voice was weak.

“Have you named them yet?” Leliana chirped.

“Well, unfortunately we only had one name picked out.” Alistair said. He had sat down on the bed besides his wife, and he still hadn’t stopped smiling.

“I’m sure we can think of something.” Agatha said.


	22. Grand Feasts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posting the last two chapters today! remember to drop a comment/kudos if you like it

_9:31 Amaranthine_

 

With the Mother and the Architect defeated, the talking darkspawn threat ended, it was time for Agatha to bid farewell to the wardens of Amarathine. They held a feast both for her, and to celebrate their victory. They had saved the city and the Wardens, and Agatha was their hero once again. She sat at the head of the table, smiling broadly and drinking generously. At the far other end of the table sat Nathaniel. They hadn’t spoken since that last night together, when she had cried in his arms and ended it, for good this time. She caught his eye and he lowered his to his plate. Her mood dampened slightly, but she knocked back the last dregs of her ale to push back that feeling of loneliness.

It had taken her a few days to figure out that feeling. She didn’t think that she should’ve been upset by it- she didn’t love him romantically, she had never seriously considered him more than a dalliance (or at least consciously considered.). Agatha had thought that perhaps it was just the absence of sex that was ruining her moods, but as she lay in bed one night, fingering the pearl necklace she still wore every so often, she realized quite clearly that she was lonely. Loneliness wasn’t a feeling that Agatha had truly felt before, she always had somebody that cared for her around, but the thing about loneliness is that you never realize what it feels like until somebody shows you the difference.

Nathaniel Howe had been that difference. He was the equal of lover and friend, a true friend, not just a relationship that she had feigned for whatever benefits it would grant her. And Maker she missed him.

She chewed on her lip, forcing back to uncharacteristic surge of emotions that clouded her thoughts more efficiently than the antivan wine had managed to.

“You alright, boss?”

“Yes, Oghren. I’m fine. If you’ll just excuse me for a moment.” She got up from the table and walked as quickly as she could without drawing attention to her quarters. She collapsed against the door and her body shook with sobs.

Maker’s breath she was so lonely. She hated this with everything that was in her. All she wanted was her friend back, but she couldn’t have it all. She had always put herself first, no matter what happened, and this time, she knew, couldn’t be any different. Even if keeping her position wasn’t in her best interest, it was in the best interest of Ferelden. Alistair wouldn’t be able to make it on the throne without her, that much was clear. Eamon would rule from behind Alistair by whispering in his ear, driving her beloved country into the dirt, and Alistair might just be too heartbroken to even notice. She rubbed her eyes and let herself shout in frustration.

She stood up and looked in the mirror.

The mirror stared back at her, and smiled. She wasn’t going to let somebody like Nathaniel Howe stand in her way, because the pretty noble girl was going to had married the foolish prince. She squared her shoulders, put her chin up, and walked out of the room, seeing a servant gaping at her. She simply smiled, showing her white teeth as the wall she had built up around herself.

_He will not be my undoing, she promised herself._

 

The Commander left Amaranthine the following morning. She was hungover and tired, but she let none of that show through. She finished saddling up her horse, murmuring softly to him and petting his soft nose. She mounted her horse and left without a word to her friends, feeling that the goodbyes she had made last night would suffice.

 

 


	23. Tainted Detours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK to this is the final chapter! I hope you all liked it, and a big thanks to Gwyn_Paige for editing all this for me. Leave a kudos and a comment if you liked it (and if you want to check me out on tumblr @kirkwallers)

9:38 Dragon- Denerim

 

“Maker, Aggie, you can’t just go running off like this.” Alistair pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned his head on his hands.

“Well, darling, if I don’t we’ll be dead in a few years. I would rather that not happen, but sure. Whatever you say. We’ll just go off to Orzammar and die and leave our children all alone to rule a bloody country.”

“Then let me go instead. You’re better at the politics. I’m a better warrior than I am a king. Just don’t...put yourself in danger like this, alright?”

“I don’t really have a choice, Alistair.” She sighed and sat down on their bed. “I’m doing this for them as much as I’m doing it for us.”

Alistair looked up at her. “What do you mean? By the time we go on our callings, they’ll be adults. I’m sure that they can-”

Agatha interrupted him. “That’s not what I meant.” She waited until he faced her completely to continue. “A few weeks ago, when you were in the bannorn, the girls both had a nightmare.”

“They’re children, Aggie. Kids get nightmares all the time.”

“Not about Darkspawn, Alistair. And I had the same one. If you think about it- I bet that you had it too.”

Alistair thought back, and she was right. He had seen the darkspawn clear as day, digging violently through the deep roads. He covered his mouth, considering what he had just heard. His heart ached and he bit back a sob. _Their children were tainted._

“Unless you want them to go on the calling with us, I think that you’d best just let me go, love,” she said quietly.

For six years, Alistair had been able to refuse his daughters nothing. Every sweet they asked for from the kitchen was theirs, every pony and toy was at their fingertips. His girls had all of Ferelden at their disposal, and this would be no different. He hated to see his wife go, after all this, but he would do anything for them.

“Are you sure I can’t go instead?”

She shook her head. _Maker_ she wanted to stay, but she knew that it had to be her. She needed somebody who wouldn’t deny a method due to it’s morality, as Alistair surely would.

“Okay,” he agreed.

“I’m going to leave in the morning. Keep this quiet for as long as you can, I don’t want to be followed.”

“Where will you go?”

“Leliana gave me a lead. I’ll be in the Anderfels and then, well, I’ll be going somewhere far more exotic than the mountains.”

“Beyond Thedas? That’s ridiculous, nobody’s made that journey in hundreds of years. We don’t even know if there are people beyond those mountains.”

“For them, I’m willing to try it, my love.”

 

She left in the morning, as she always did to avoid long goodbyes. She looked at her map, finding the clearest roads, but then detoured.

 

The keep looked exactly as she remembered. She had arrived at nightfall. The rain beat down on her and she looked up at the high gate. She pounded her fist on the door.

“Who goes there?”

“Agatha Cousland!” she shouted back.

“Pfft, right, and I’m a pretty elf.”

“Oghren? Is that you?” She thought that she recognized his voice.

“By the stone- is that really you, Warden?”

“Yes! Now let me in or I’ll have you arrested for treason!” she joked. She heard his hearty laugh and smiled. The gate opened and she led her horse inside.

“What are you doin’ here, then, your majesty?”

“I’m afraid that’s top secret, but I thought I’d stop in on my way.”

“Heh, well I bet the Commander’s gonna be happy you’re here.”

“I thought I was the Commander?” she said lightly.

“Yeah, nearly a decade ago, now.We had to replace you eventually.”

“It’s not an Orlesian, is it?”

“You really didn’t hear? Damn, I hadn’t realized that you were so out of the loop!”

“Well, come on then, don’t keep me in suspense!”

“Commander! Get out here!” he shouted into the empty hall, surprising the queen.

“Maker, Oghren, what is it? I’m...oh.” Nathaniel said when he saw her.

“Commander of the Grey, huh?” she said with a surprised smile at her old friend.

“Yes, well, I suppose they just needed somebody with a better aim.”

“Oh-ho-ho that’s low, my friend.”  

She saw him force a smile and hug her.

“It’s good to see you. What are you doing here?”

“I actually came to talk to you.”

This took him aback. They hadn’t spoken in years, and knowing Agatha, he hadn’t expected to hear from her again, at least not face to face. He led her to his office, her old office, and sat down.

“So what did you have to talk to me about.” Now that Oghren was out of the room he dropped his happy voice.

“Don’t use that tone with me, I’m not here to pick a fight.”

“I never said that you were.”

“No, but I can tell that that’s what you’re preparing yourself for.”

He raised an eyebrow and set his jaw.

“I need your help.”

Nathaniel snorted in reply.

“Yeah, Howe, that’s really mature. Maker, how long has it been? Six years? have you really held this little grudge of yours for that long?”

“You’re the one that said you never wanted to see me again.”

“Andraste’s flaming- I had just had two children! I almost died that week! Doesn’t it make sense that I was a little bit emotional?”

“Well, sure, but that doesn’t explain to me why you never wrote me to apologize.”

“Why would I apologize to you? You started it?”

“And you finished it!” he shouted.

She rubbed her forehead. “That’s what this is about, then? I got married, move on with my life, so you never want to see me again?”

“No. I always expected you to move on I just...didn’t think it would end the way it did.’

  
  


_9:32- Denerim_

_Agatha sat up and got out of bed for the first time in days. She put on an old gown, pleasantly surprised that it still fit the way it should, and went for a walk in the gardens._

_She saw Nathaniel sitting on a bench with a book. She sat down beside him._

_“Well hello there, my Lord,” she said, smiling wide. Agatha could hardly remember a time when she had been as happy._

_It had really been the test of power. She was fading, and quickly. She made a few quick decisions, and they had all followed through. The decoy mission to the ashes was executed without a hitch, and without her brother, her husband, and her lover, killing each other in the process. They had all come through in the end, and she was alive and no worse for wear._

_Even better were her daughters, Cedany and Blythe. She and Alistair would lie in bed with them for hours, just watching them smile or make some noise, the Queen had not expected anything to come out of this, other than a reliable heir to their throne, but when she had seen them she fell in love._

_They were unlike anything she had seen. Sure, she had seen babies before, and had usually experience a mild disinterest and a nagging desire to steer the conversation anywhere else, but then there they were, and they looked just like their father (for which she thanked the Maker)._

_“Hello Agatha,” he said. She frowned._

_“I’ve been meaning to thank you, riding in to save the day the way you did. You didn’t have to do that, but you did and that means a lot.”_

_She noticed that he was avoiding her eye. “Well, when the King writes and and says that the Hero of Ferelden is dying and needs your help, you don’t exactly say no.”_

_“Well, it’s more than that, though. Isn’t it?”_

_“Is it?”_

_Nathaniel could hardly remember a time when he had been as unhappy. The last few days had made everything so very real to him. Marrying the king he could take in his stride. It was a political marriage, and one could hardly blame him from wanting to take her away from that. But seeing her now, Agatha was not only somebody’s wife but now she was somebody’s mother. If he were to continue to be with her, he could destroy a family. Nathaniel had been on the end of that in the past, and he didn’t want to be the one to cause anybody else that kind of pain._

_Then there was how happy she was, that was not what he had expected. He had expected her to come into his quarters late at night, wake him up, and quietly make excuses for her life now, as if she owed it to him. He thought that she would say “It’s crazy, isn’t it? Wasn’t sure that I’d end up here. I almost feel bad for forcing those kids on Alistair, but I needed an heir after all.”_

_But he saw how much she adored them. She was rarely seen without one of them in her arms, cooing and shaking their little arms. It made him feel rotten inside, how much he hated that she was happy, but he couldn’t help it. She had never been so happy around him. It struck him with the realization, something she had told him over and over again, but he never really believed, she she didn’t love him. She never did. He was someone that she considered a friend, but that was all he would ever be._

_Nathaniel felt like his sister’s doll Maggie. Sigrun had handed him the doll one night at the keep. ‘I found this under my bed, I think this is yours’ she had said. Nathaniel had smiled at the fond memories attached to the toy before putting it somewhere in the keep to be forgotten about. Nathaniel had become his sister’s blasted doll- someone that Agatha would see now and again and remember starry nights behind the carriage house, or naughty letters sent anonymously to and from the Free Marches. She would look at him and remember the woman that she used to be, but he, just like that stupid doll, had no place in her future._

_“What is it?” she asked, placing an innocent hand on his knee._

_“I think I’m going to go back to Amaranthine tomorrow.”_

_“Oh.” She sounded disappointed._

_“In fact, I’m going to go and get ready.” He stood up and left her sitting alone on that bench, cursing himself._

_She, unsurprisingly, followed him to his quarters._

_“Talk to me, Howe,” she said forcefully._

_“Aggie, it’s nothing. I just have to get back to Amaranthine, is all,” he lied._

_“No, it’s not nothing. Don’t forget that I know you. Talk to me.”_

_“I don’t really...want to.”_

_“Pardon?”_

_“I said that I don’t want to talk to you, Agatha.”_

_“Yes, I heard you, I just don’t understand. What don’t you want to tell me?”_

_“Telling you would kind of invalidate the whole ‘not wanting to tell you’ thing, wouldn’t it?”_

_“Yes, but I still want to know.” She could feel him slipping out of her grip. She felt the loneliness creeping back up her neck like a winter chill._

_He sighed. “There’s somebody else,” he lied._

_Her words hit her like a war axe._

_“Fine,” she said, her words sounded strangled. “I’m happy that you found somebody.”_

_“That’s it? After all this, that’s all you have to say?”_

_“What do you want me to do, Nathaniel? Do you want me to beg? What’s the use you’ve clearly already made up your mind. Believe it or not, I want you to be happy.”_

_“No, Aggie, you don’t. You want me to be happy with you. You just keep dragging me back into your life over and over and every time it’s worse. You don’t know how to just let go.”_

_“I’m not the one that keeps coming back. You are, I don’t care what you do, because I don’t care about you.” She was screaming now, her voice hoarse. Tears discolored her cheeks. She knew that she was angrier than she had a right to be, but she couldn’t help it._

_“Yes, I know that you don’t.”_

_“You just keep coming back because you’re in love with me! I never asked for that- that was all you, Howe. Even after I destroyed your fucking family you came back. If you’re angry with me it’s nobody’s fault but your own,” she continued._

_His eyes started to water when he saw that she was wearing the necklace made of pearls that he had sent her from the Free Marches._

_“Oh, so now you’re crying? You don’t get to cry when you’re the one leaving me all alone here.” She tried to shove him but he caught her wrists._

_“I’m the one that keeps coming back? You made me a warden, I didn’t really have much choice but to stay. If you hated me so much then why didn’t you just kill me? Some sort of convoluted punishment or could you just not bear to get rid of one of your playthings?” He released her wrists and she turned away from his. He heard her sob._

_“Don’t ever think that that was what you were, Nathaniel. I thought you knew me. Sometimes, I thought that you were all that I had, but I guess I was wrong.” Her voice was suddenly quieter. She spoke in a tone that he had never heard before; she spoke with uncertainty._

_“Yeah, Aggie. I thought I knew you, too.”_

_“I want you to leave my city. I never want to see your face again.” She had straightened her shoulders and spoke with the voice of a queen._

_“And I’ll say the same to you, my lady.” He saint somberly._

 

“I didn’t expect it to end that way, either,” she said sadly. “Was there ever anybody else?” she asked.

“No. No, unfortunately being the Queen’s dirty little secret for a decade and a Howe doesn’t really lead to relatable experiences.”

She almost laughed. “Sorry about that.” They were both quiet for a few moments. “How have you been?” she asked, trying to fill silence.

“Fine. I’m Warden Commander now, so that’s something. What about you?”

“Well that’s...what I wanted to talk to you about.” She sat down on his desk. “Cedany and Blythe, my daughters,” she added, in case he had forgotten. “They’re...tainted.”

“You mean…?”

“Yes. They’ve been having the nightmares, the same ones Alistair and I have been getting. I have a lead on a cure, of sorts.”

“Truly?”

“Yes. I have to go into the Anderfels, and then maybe beyond Thedas entirely.” She looked away from him.

“And what did you need from me?” he asked, fearing that he knew the answer.

“I want you to come with me,” she said quietly, and as confidently as she could manage.

“Aggie, I don’t know, I mean I have responsibilities.”

“So do I.”

“Why me?” he asked the dreaded question.

“Because I trust you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had and I hate not being around you. And I know that I’ll never feel the way that you did about me but all the same I love you.” She surprised herself with the words that came falling out of her mouth.

He put his hand on hers and smiled to himself.

“Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“Okay, I’ll come. Wherever you need me, my Lady. I’m all yours.”

She leaned into a hug, pulling him as close as she could. She smiled and squeezed her eyes shut. She wasn’t lonely anymore.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also I was thinking about doing a sequel with them searching for the cure for the taint and all that- anybody interested?


End file.
